What Are The Little Things That Count In A Relationship?

Do you remember when you first met your spouse and you were madly in love with each other? When you were not together, you kept thinking of each other from sunrise to sunset and you can't wait to see each other. When you were together, you could not keep your hands off each other. Later on as you get more comfortable with each other, intimacy settles into a fixed pattern and it is unlikely to get better on its own. You will have to be open to new ideas and explore ways to strengthen the desire for one another as well as improving intimacy in the relationship.

What Makes A Healthy Relationship Works?

Basically, for every long-term relationship to flourish and be successful, you need to have three key elements which are intimacy, desire or passion and commitment. Not all relationships have these three key elements. Some relationships have only one or two of the key elements.

If a relationship is only pure passion or desire without any intimacy and commitment, it is best described as infatuated love or infatuation. If a relationship has both passion and intimacy but no commitment, it is only romantic love and many dating relationships fall into this category. If what is left in a relationship is only commitment, this will be empty love and many long-term couples fall into this category. A relationship consisting of only intimacy and commitment but lack of passion is more of a companion type of relationship. Though better than empty love but is still less than satisfactory and is a trap for long-term relationships. A relationship that has passion and commitment but no intimacy is best described as a passionate, whirlwind courtship that has quickly moved to marriage, with not enough time to build intimacy.

How To Strengthen Desire And Intimacy In A Relationship?

It is anticipation, rather than obligation and pressure that fuels desire. In any long-term relationship, it is necessary to anticipate sex in the same way as you would for other activities such as dinners, concerts and social gatherings. Though this may conflict with the idea about being spontaneous and romantic, however in reality, we are often so overwhelmed by the many responsibilities that sex is likely to be put at lower priority. You cannot count on spontaneity to make things happen. There is nothing wrong with planned, intentional sexual dates. To enhance the sexual experience in your 'dates', both of you can make special requests on how to turn on each other. This will establish a positive cycle of anticipation, satisfaction and regularity.

Another way of building anticipation is to put an idea into your partner's head about something that seems fun and exciting which is going to happen in the not too distant future. You keep referring back and touching upon this topic. It will serve to put your partner in a different mind state and feel excited even if nothing particularly exciting is happening at the time.

For example, you remind your wife about the romantic dinner you have planned to try a new cuisine on a particular night. As you keep reminding her, you will build up her anticipation and make her feel excited to see you when you return home. You tell your boyfriend about how you are going to make love to him like crazy tonight. You remind him by texting about it to keep him thinking about this. You can be sure he will be rushing home to see you tonight. Making things exciting by keeping your partner in a constant state of anticipation by way of planning intentional sexual dates or anything that seems fun, exciting or unusual will in turn enhance desire.

Intimacy (which is the feeling of closeness, sharing and connection) is another important component of sexual desire. Marital sex involves integrating intimacy and eroticism. Sexual desire is strong when both parties value emotional and sexual intimacy (or connection).

How Do You Increase Intimacy In A Relationship?

Here are some ways you can practice on.

(1) You need to learn about each other's emotional needs and not take each other for granted. You have to find out about what things that can allow your partner to feel loved and valued by you. You have to continue to do the little things and use the same sort of thoughtfulness and caring gestures you did when you were first courting. It is unlikely that both of you share the same emotional needs. Therefore, you avoid making the mistake of only showing love in the same way that you like to receive love.

You make intentional, regular and daily deposits into each other's emotional bank account in ways that your partner recognizes as loving, caring behavior. This may require having you to get out of your comfort zone. If your partner needs to be touched and you are not the touching type, it is time for you to learn a new language of love. This can be uncomfortable to you at first. But if you refuse to change your way, it will be sending her the message that you do not care enough to learn to love her in the way she wants to and you will only want to do things in your own way.

(2) You strengthen the connection with each other by tuning in to each other's feelings and needs, intentionally looking for ways to express caring, spending time with each other and having fun together.

(3) You express fondness by touching each other affectionately every day. Tender touch is a fundamental need for human beings. Touch is healing and is also a way of expressing love and acceptance. When someone touches you it is like they are acknowledging you.

(4) When you are upset or angry about something your spouse has done, you can try to be more understanding and forgiving of each other to prevent the barriers to communication from affecting intimacy.

Remember that you need desire, intimacy and commitment to keep a relationship strong. With good communication, you are able to understand each other's needs. Based on this knowledge of each other's needs, you make an effort to do the little things regularly to show you care. You use anticipation to drive passion or desire by setting aside time for passionate moments and by feeding fun and exciting ideas by setting aside time for passionate moments which you intend to make them happen. If you can do these, you will continue to have great sex, regardless of how long you have been in the relationship.

For a detailed road map on how to make passion and intimacy an important part of your relationship, you can click on Greatest Love and All For Us.

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How Did Things Go So Wrong?

They're sitting across from me in my office - another young couple who have been married only two or three years, now wondering how and why it all seems to be falling apart. They were once so hopelessly in love - they could hardly bear to be apart from each other during the day, when they were at work. Everyone - friends, family, even strangers, looked at them and saw the "perfect couple."

And they certainly looked perfect. In fact, it was as if I were looking at Ken and Barbie come to life. But they were miserable, questioning if their marriage was a horrible mistake, and wondering if there was any hope of saving what had once seemed like their ideal destiny. How did things go so wrong?

When people fall in love (and older couples are not immune to this), scientists have identified a biochemical change that takes place. They are literally "high" on the chemistry of being in love. This experience is well documented - by poets, songwriters, and also by clinical scientific researchers. The problem is that this chemical change is temporary, lasting on average about 18 months. After that, the body settles back down into its normal balance, or homeostasis. It simply can't maintain that chemical rush over the long run.

So what happens then? Well, for many, they end up in my (or another therapist's) office. Inevitably, it becomes clear that while they were caught up in all the feel good joys of being in love, they neglected to look at the more mundane day in and day out, issues of living life, that sooner or later must be addressed.

These issues can be as simple as one being a morning person and the other not, or one being very concerned about healthy diet and the other, a junk food junkie. Sometimes, people believe that marriage is a miraculous cure for bad behavior. It's amazing how many think their partner will be more polite, drink less, pitch in more to help out, etc. after the marriage vows!

Why would anyone arrive at such a conclusion? Marriage is not a magic wand! Marriage also does not cause one to suddenly be more careful about how they spend money, or now agree totally with your religious, political, investment, decorating, or any other viewpoints or opinions, or become more interested in sex, love your family as much as they love their own, or.... you name it. I could go on and on.

If there is a single piece of wisdom I would tell people who are considering marriage, it is this: when a couple is dating, they are usually on their best behavior, because they are trying to impress and attract. If there are behaviors, differences, idiosyncrasies, or annoyances that concern you before you get married, you can be sure they will bother you more after!

Imagine all these characteristics a few years from now, after the chemical high is long gone, there are difficulties with his or her parents, you've just found out your job is being eliminated, the babysitter's sick, and your partner has put on 30 pounds since the wedding!

Is it hopeless? Of course not. Marriage is a wonderful institution, and there are many happy ones. But about half end in divorce, and of the other half, many are unhappy. As with so many things in life, it's important to be able to see the forest for the trees. It's pretty hard to do that when the forest is soaked with the dew of that chemical high.

Therefore, before saying your "I Do's," talk with an independent third party - a therapist or clergy person - who can help you see beyond the chemical haze and look at the practical day to day issues you are likely to face in your lives together. This "due diligence" is the best way I know to assure you're prepared for a very long and happy life together.

Lee Bowers is a Licensed Psychologist and Director of Suburban Psychological Services, Inc. in Villanova. She has been in practice for over fifteen years. Her doctorate is in Health Psychology and she is a Diplomate of the American Board of Psychological Specialties, and board certified as a Medical Psychologist. Her original training was in Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy, Marriage and Family Therapy, and Ericsonian Hypnosis.

In recent years, Lee has become more transpersonal and esoteric in her approach to psychotherapy, believing that for one to be whole, the body, mind, and spirit must be integrated. Deep (soul or Karmic) level meanings of client's problems can be explored if the client wishes, and together, client and therapist work towards a resolution that will be satisfactory to both the intellect and the spirit.

Dr. Bowers is a Reiki Master, a Master Practitioner of Transpersonal Neuro-Linguistic Programming, and a Master Hypnotherapist. She is a student, initiate, and teacher of the ancient Hawaiian psychospiritual practice of Huna, and incorporates Huna and other Shamanistic practices, energy (Chakra) balancing, Traditional Chinese Medicine, Applied Kinesiology, Aromatherapy, and Flower Essences.

To Learn More Visit: http://www.drleebowers.com/

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