Getting Past Pettiness

In an institution demanding maturity for its success, marriage and romantic partnership is not just an institution but a process for revealing our immaturities and inadequacies. And we're all revealed; marriage, just like parenting, undoes even the most together of people.

And if there's one area where the undoing takes place it's in the pettiness we either insist upon or put up with.

PETTINESS BEGETS PETTINESS

Much like any common relational sin, when one begins being petty, drawing in unimportant issues or those irrelevant to the discussion, dissuading the focus of the gathering conflict, it's a hidden invitation for the other are join in. It's like, 'If you're allowed to bring in such superfluous things, so am I!' And so begins the one-upmanship.

What happens here, of course, is that one slinks back into the child state and unconsciously invites the other to join them, fighting as if they were eight-year-olds scrapping on the floor. It resembles a tennis match, as each has their turn at sending a winner past their opponent (their partner).

Yet, this is one game where there are no winners. Even if one wins the stoush, the relationship loses.

The only way such conflict stops is when one partner refuses to partake in issues of irrelevant or unimportant pettiness. They refuse to become intimidated. And in that, they're the ones that redeem the adult power; though it seems they're giving in, so long as they refuse to become upset, they've won, because the relationship has been relieved of falling into the ridiculous.

INSISTING UPON OR PUTTING UP WITH

The aggressor and the submitter do themselves and their marriages few favours by behaving the way they do. When people insist on their pettiness they constrict any room the relationship would have of harmony, because of their selfishness. When people put up with others' pettiness they, too, do their relationships no favours; they're allowing the setting of, or maintaining of, dangerous precedents.

The midway between the aggressor and the submitter is the asserter. They quietly refuse to partake in the irrelevant, sticking on-point themselves, whilst calling the other to gentle account - to justify actual things said; to ensure the taking of adult responsibility. And that's all that's required; patiently staying on track and being respectful, and climbing above the temptation to lose patience.

It only takes one patient, resilient asserter in a marriage, one that wisely steers conflict from the rocks into safe waters, by staying calmly and respectfully on point, and noting before things get out of control to weigh anchor, to deal with an irrational partner. (And we all present as irrational from time to time.)

***

Pettiness takes the best of marriages and relationships and reduces them to a schoolyard level in a flash. Staying on point, and keeping to what's relevant, is a discipline of the patient asserter, one who resists the temptation to fight dirty and maintains respect.

© 2012 S. J. Wickham.

Steve Wickham is a Registered Safety Practitioner (BSc, FSIA, RSP[Australia]) and a qualified, unordained Christian minister (GradDipBib&Min). His blogs are at: http://epitemnein-epitomic.blogspot.com/ and http://inspiringbetterlife.blogspot.com/

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Getting Married the Second Time Around

Every bride hopes that when she marries for the first time, it will last forever. Unfortunately, this is not always the case due to unforeseen circumstances or things just not working out as planned. But the big question after a failed marriage is... can you fall in love again? Absolutely! And for some, the second time around may be even better than the first.

When it's time to plan that second marriage, many couples decide on simplicity and elegance. They are more mature at this point and likely know exactly what they want. For many, the guest list is usually smaller, with only close family and friends. I have met with several brides marrying for the second time who have remarked that their first wedding was large and lavish - something they do not want a second time around, you know the saying "been there done that".

Couples will choose a small venue perhaps a little more quaint and quiet. Most will do a ceremony on site followed by dinner and dancing. Some couples are even choosing to do a late-night candle ceremony at around 8:00pm, followed by fruit and pastries or a Sunday morning brunch. They really want to keep it scaled down but yet very elegant.

If you feel uncomfortable with guests purchasing a gift because they attended your first wedding, then choose to note "no gifts please" on your invitations. It is a thoughtful gesture on your part, but you will find most people will not walk in empty-handed anyways. Another fantastic idea would be to list your favourite charity for guests to make a donation to, in lieu of a gift. If this is not an issue for your particular wedding then of course you will be accepting gifts. You will find that many of these couples do not set up a wedding registry because they both have so many items already in their homes. This is where a honeymoon registry though would come in handy.

In terms of a wedding dress, some brides may again choose to purchase a traditional wedding dress while others will decide on an evening or cocktail gown. Just be aware that you can toss that "don't wear white the second time around" rule right out the window. Hubby may choose to rent a tuxedo or just wear a dark suit. Instead of a large bridal party you will likely see only one or two attendants maximum. The floral bouquets can be made more simple and cost-efficient, for example by carrying a classy long stem rose instead of an entire elaborate bouquet.

If there are younger children involved from a previous marriage, do your best to include them in the planning stages. Depending on their ages, they may take on the role of flower girl, ring bearer, or can perhaps do a reading at the ceremony. This will certainly help them to adjust with the new change in their lives and make them feel part of the family.

A wedding the second time around should be considered as a new beginning so don't try to plan the wedding exactly like your first. Don't wear the same dress, choose a different location, and write your own new vows. Ensure both families are part of the celebration and create a joyous atmosphere as you enter a new life with your significant other.

Wedding and event planner for over 18 years of experience, sharing all my ideas and tips with brides to be

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Getting Married Soon? Here's Why You Should Seriously Consider a Professional Wedding Snapper

A wedding is quite possibly the most important day in a person's life and for the majority of brides, it is an event that needs to happen perfectly. While planning your wedding there are a variety of details that need to be accounted for such as guest lists, the wedding dress, and of course affordable wedding photography. It is extremely necessary to find a dependable wedding photographer that can help you to remember your wedding night for years to come.

The Role of the Photographer

The role of the photographer is to snap photographs throughout the wedding day and the wedding night. They must have an extensive knowledge of portraits, family portraits, action shots, candid shots, and even to know about nature and architectural photography. All of these things are important because you will be posing in a vast amount of spaces on your wedding day. You will be looking for a photographer who can take still life images and transform them into brilliant pictures that you will remember for years to come.

Wedding Photo Quality

The wedding photos will show a whole other side of the wedding day that the couple wasn't able to acknowledge due to the hustle and bustle of their special day. They will be able to notice the different parts of the wedding such as the guests, all of the decorations and every other specific detail. There are a variety of things that make the quality of a wedding photograph worth the viewing, especially if your photographer is aware of how to tell a story with their work.

You will want to make sure that your photos are professional looking, otherwise there is no point to hiring the photographer. You will also want to make sure that the cameras used are of a professional grade or that the photographer at least has a photo editing software at their studio that they can use.

Another thing that is extremely important is that you must ensure that your entire day is documented. You will want pictures of your bridal party, the reception hall, and the ceremony. Otherwise there will be no reason to having pictures at all!

Affordable wedding photography is available to every couple who is looking to spend the rest of their lives together. As long as you meet with the photographer and assess their portfolio, you will be able to know whether you are obtaining a quality professional or not. In order to achieve the perfect wedding memories, it is recommended that you hire a wedding photographer because they not only eliminate that stress from your guests, they also make your wedding an event that is to be remembered for the rest of your life!

If You Are in Need of an Affordable And a Professional Wedding Photography Melbourne Service, then Please Visit http://www.weddingsnapper.com.au/ Today For The Most Competitive Wedding Photography Packages That Will Suit All Weddings. Simply Ask About Our Code "Zritoushani Pimt" Special

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Getting a Handle on Anger

"People with repressed anger are like pressure cookers. If a pressure cooker doesn't have an outlet to let off steam, it eventually explodes, and the food that was inside ends up all over the place. You have to let the cooker cool down, run it under cool water and then gently release the pressure." ~ Mack and Brenda Timberlake

Can you recall a time when you got angry and it felt like something began to take over you? After becoming angry, you probably did one of three things: You blew up and said things that you shouldn't, you bottled it up inside of you or found a way to recover.

As spouses it is imperative that we learn how to channel anger. We must find an outlet to rid ourselves of steam or negative emotions before an explosion take place. Some people take a walk, some pray, some go for a jog and others may engage in a favorite pastime. Whatever it is, find something that works for you. Personally, I have multiple channels which include solitude. This will work only if you are able to discontinue it in a decent amount of time; you should not go off alone for an extended period of time. It can send mix messages to your spouse and cause things to become worse.

After diffusing, you are then in a better position to resolve or at least discuss the issue without "hitting below the belt" or saying things that are harmful as they say in boxing. Many times I have said things that I not only regretted but that I couldn't take back. I've heard people say "Ahhh I'm sorry honey, I take back what I said about your mother". [Just a little in-law humor] The reality is, once words are released into the atmosphere you cannot retrieve them.

Unfortunately in some cases some hostile environments can lead to abuse, infidelity, or even death. However, if we choose to govern the choices we make then we can produce safer and more productive outcomes.

The Bible tells us to "pursue peace." Hebrews 12:14-15 It is vital that we make a sure effort to keep a peaceful lifestyle. Why? Everything opposite of peace is destructive to others as well as ourselves. For example, stress causes harmful toxins to be released into your body that negatively affects your health. I remember getting upset and because I wasn't focused on my surroundings, I accidentally hit my foot against a piece of hard metal. I don't believe God placed that metal there to teach me a lesson but I do believe that He used the pain to get my attention.

What about you? How do you devoid yourself of anger?

Find more inspiring and informing articles from Saleena here:

http://www.marriagelounge.blogspot.com/

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