How to Save Your Marriage and Empower Yourself, Too

What? Dr. Deb, do you really think my relationship can be improved?

You find that hard. It's hard to see room for improvement when you've been confronted with quite the opposite for years and years. How can you see potential, for example, when your wife comes down to breakfast looking like she just doesn't care about how she looks? How can you see potential in your husband who has nothing positive to say to you?

So here is a thought: If you were to change your own attitude, could you get different results? Changing how you think about your loved ones can have a powerful effect on their behavior. And that can save the marriage.

Let's do my Benefit of the Doubt exercise for the first scenario. The way the B.O.D. goes, you have to come up with five reasonable reasons why the person did the thing they did. Here are possible reasons why your wife doesn't take care of herself any more:

1. I have not remembered our anniversary or her birthday this year; I have not given her even a Valentine's Day card, so she looks like someone who feels unloved.

2. I criticize from morning till night so she figures, "Why bother? Nothing works."

3. I tend not to look in her eyes when she is talking. In fact, when she's talking, my mind wanders off, so of course, I don't really know what she's saying. She has to conclude that I don't care, so why should she?

4. We have not hugged in months, let alone kissed, so she's got to conclude that I don't care: Again-so why should she?

5. My wife is grieving over her mother's death which she just can't get over. I guess I don't get that because I didn't have such a good relationship with my own mother. Maybe I don't come across as sympathetic enough.

See how it works? You have to step into your spouse's shoes to see the world from her point of view. When you do that, you realize that maybe you can make positive changes which will encourage the right changes in your wife and that has the power to turn the relationship around. That's impressive!

Now, consider the husband who is always criticizing you. How can you see potential in him?

Even though his negativity is the habit of a lifetime, you can give him the B.O.D., too. Here is an example to start your list:

1. He grew up in a negative home where he never learned to think or speak positively so he feels depressed all the time and his criticism is just a symptom of that. He needs to learn how to see the world in a better light.

Now, you try to find four more.

As you can see, this wife must tap into inner strength to recognize that this criticizing husband of hers needs help. Instead of feeling like a victim, she can encourage him to make some changes. Having empowered herself by doing the B.O.D., she will recognize that the problem is his, not hers and once she stops being hurt and frustrated with him, the marriage will improve automatically. She might also encourage him to read a self-help book or seek counseling which will raise the odds of success even more.

Use the B.O.D exercise to help you see the potential in the people you love and you will be surprised how powerful that is in improving your relationship.

Heal and transform your marriage into one of friendship, love, trust, respect, and passion. Go to my website, http://drdeb.com/ for a free e-book and much more. I want you to be happy.
"DrDeb"
Dr. Deb Schwarz Hirschhorn, Ph.D.
646-54-DRDEB

Original article

When Is a Marriage Over? Time To Ask Yourself Some Questions and Face The Truth

Some questions that come up frequently amongst those experiencing difficulties in their marriage are 'When is a marriage over?' and 'when it is time to call it a day?' and 'when is it time to admit that enough is enough?' This is basically the same question, and it is a difficult to answer, but this article will help you to answer it.

The most common reasons for a marriage ending include the following:-

One or more of the couple cheating

The love dying

'Drifting apart'

No physical intimacy

Loss of trust

Not meeting each other's expectations

Constant conflict, even violence

In some ways, the question 'when is a marriage over?' is similar to 'how do you know when you're in love?'. They're completely different ends of the scale, yes, but there are literally hundreds of different answers for both of them. The answer I have heard the most, for both questions, is 'you just know'. Think about that for a moment. Falling in love and ending a marriage are two very big events in anyone's life, yet this 'answer' seems to be so clinical and brief.

In truth, there are a multitude of factors that get you to the point of 'just knowing'. For the purpose of this article, we're of course going to concentrate on the latter of the two questions.

Let's ponder it for a moment. How do you know when a marriage is over?

Maybe your feelings towards the other person have changed. Perhaps those butterflies you felt when looking at them aren't there any more. Perhaps the thought of going home to them after work just doesn't fill you with happiness any longer. What has contributed to this though? It doesn't just happen overnight. It could be that your partner doesn't pay as much attention to you as you'd like. Or maybe they have different views on things such as money and kids than they did when you both said 'I do'.

You really need to ponder the question in detail. Does the marriage feel 'over' because you feel let down? Is your pride hurt? Is it easier just to give up, rather than sit down with your partner and figure out what exactly you both want out of the marriage?

Now for my answer to the question. In our opinion, a marriage is over when both partners have put everything they have into it and can look back and say they gave it their best shot. Can you do that? If you are reading this article, my guess is that you don't know 100% if your marriage is over, otherwise you wouldn't be looking for answers. In that case, I think there is at the very least a glimmer of hope for you. The big question is - are you prepared to fight for your marriage? If you're already wondering if it is coming to an end, then what do you have to lose?

As I mentioned early on in this article, things like infidelity and violence are deal breakers for a lot of people, and I completely understand that. Only you know if you could move forward after either of those things have occurred in your relationship, it's not for me to tell you. If things like that haven't occurred in your relationship, and your issue is that you don't think you feel the same, you owe it to yourself and your partner to find out if that really is the case. It could be that you actually don't know yet.

Here is a list of questions to ask yourself right now, and the answers should give you a better idea of your feelings towards your spouse, and your feelings about the marriage itself. Writing these down, along with your answers might prove useful too. After you have answered them for yourself, you could answer them for your spouse too, as if they were answering them. Be as honest as you possibly can here.

Do you still enjoy your spouse's company?

Do you still find them physically attractive?

Do you trust them?

Are you honest with them?

Do you feel you spend enough time with them?

Do you feel the marriage allows you to grow individually?

Have you told them exactly how you feel about them and the marriage? If so, have you explained your reasoning?

Here's another way of looking at things - if you woke up tomorrow and you were no longer married and were living separately, how would you feel? Relieved? Lost? Confused? Devastated? Happy? Now fast forward 3 months, how do you think you'd feel then? Would you still feel the same? Or after having 3 months to clear your mind, would you have regrets about going your separate ways?

If you are struggling with where to go from here, an all in one solution like Amy Waterman's outstanding Save My Marriage Today would help you to definitively answer this question. Not only that, but reading through all the practical advice and following it would help YOU as an individual. It's about much more than saving your marriage, it goes into how to learn what YOU want from like and how to make yourself happy, regardless of your relationship status. It's not only a marriage saver, it can be a LIFE saver. Perhaps that sounds a tad dramatic, but when you are unhappy in your marriage and in your household, your life just isn't what it should be. Imagine waking up each day feeling positive and optimistic about your marriage and your life. You'd be at work and would be counting down the minutes until it was time to go home and could spend time with your spouse. You'd be rid of all the stress of wondering where your life is going.

Do you want to stay exactly where you are right now, or do you want to move forward? Taking some definitive action today can and will change things for the better. Even if your marriage IS over, it's better that you are able to find that out and take steps to move forward with your life. The worst thing you can do is just stay exactly where you are right now. Are you happy there? Of course not. You deserve to be happy. If you need help, and don't want to go the counseling route then Save My Marriage Today could be just what you need.

Visit us today at http://www.marriageadviceonline.net/ and watch (yes, watch! A LIVE VIDEO showing you how it can change everything for you) our Save My Marriage Today Review.

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