What? Dr. Deb, do you really think my relationship can be improved?
You find that hard. It's hard to see room for improvement when you've been confronted with quite the opposite for years and years. How can you see potential, for example, when your wife comes down to breakfast looking like she just doesn't care about how she looks? How can you see potential in your husband who has nothing positive to say to you?
So here is a thought: If you were to change your own attitude, could you get different results? Changing how you think about your loved ones can have a powerful effect on their behavior. And that can save the marriage.
Let's do my Benefit of the Doubt exercise for the first scenario. The way the B.O.D. goes, you have to come up with five reasonable reasons why the person did the thing they did. Here are possible reasons why your wife doesn't take care of herself any more:
1. I have not remembered our anniversary or her birthday this year; I have not given her even a Valentine's Day card, so she looks like someone who feels unloved.
2. I criticize from morning till night so she figures, "Why bother? Nothing works."
3. I tend not to look in her eyes when she is talking. In fact, when she's talking, my mind wanders off, so of course, I don't really know what she's saying. She has to conclude that I don't care, so why should she?
4. We have not hugged in months, let alone kissed, so she's got to conclude that I don't care: Again-so why should she?
5. My wife is grieving over her mother's death which she just can't get over. I guess I don't get that because I didn't have such a good relationship with my own mother. Maybe I don't come across as sympathetic enough.
See how it works? You have to step into your spouse's shoes to see the world from her point of view. When you do that, you realize that maybe you can make positive changes which will encourage the right changes in your wife and that has the power to turn the relationship around. That's impressive!
Now, consider the husband who is always criticizing you. How can you see potential in him?
Even though his negativity is the habit of a lifetime, you can give him the B.O.D., too. Here is an example to start your list:
1. He grew up in a negative home where he never learned to think or speak positively so he feels depressed all the time and his criticism is just a symptom of that. He needs to learn how to see the world in a better light.
Now, you try to find four more.
As you can see, this wife must tap into inner strength to recognize that this criticizing husband of hers needs help. Instead of feeling like a victim, she can encourage him to make some changes. Having empowered herself by doing the B.O.D., she will recognize that the problem is his, not hers and once she stops being hurt and frustrated with him, the marriage will improve automatically. She might also encourage him to read a self-help book or seek counseling which will raise the odds of success even more.
Use the B.O.D exercise to help you see the potential in the people you love and you will be surprised how powerful that is in improving your relationship.
Heal and transform your marriage into one of friendship, love, trust, respect, and passion. Go to my website, http://drdeb.com/ for a free e-book and much more. I want you to be happy.
"DrDeb"
Dr. Deb Schwarz Hirschhorn, Ph.D.
646-54-DRDEB
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