I often hear from wives who are either separated or dealing with a situation in which their husband has left them. Many don't have specifics as to when or if he is coming back. But many are still hoping that one day soon, he is going to come back and work with them to save their marriage even though friends and family are often telling them that they are crazy or naive for doing so.
I recently heard from a wife who said: "my husband left me eight weeks ago. At first, he said he just needed time to think and clear his head and that he would be back within a couple of weeks. After a month, I still hadn't heard from him. But about two weeks after that, he called me out of the blue and told me that he needed a little more time. He often didn't return my calls and texts, but sometimes he did. And there would be times when he would ask me out on a date or would come over and we would get along wonderfully and reconnect. When these incidents happened, of course I got my hopes up and convinced myself that he would soon come back for good. But that never happened. Instead, he would pop in and out of my life. Sometimes he would tell me he still loved me and other times, he would say he still hadn't come to a decision. I miss him so much and I still love him. I still have hope that he will come back and we can save our marriage. But my friends and family tell me that I am a fool to feel this way and to continue to wait. They tell me that he is never coming back. Are they right? Am I fool to continue to wait for him to come back? If I'm being honest, I don't want any one but him. I have no interest in dating other people or in getting on with my life without him. So who is right?"
Boy, did this correspondence bring back memories. I was in the same situation. My husband and I were separated for months. He even hinted that he'd filed for divorce papers at one time. Everyone told me I was crazy not to move on with my life. And yet, I hung in there because that is what my heart was telling me to do. I knew that if I pretended everything was fine and went out on dates that I had no interest in, then the whole process would just be a fake disaster. I really had no interest in anything other than my own small group of friends, my job, my schooling, and my husband. People told me that I was a fool and that I would grow old and gray and lonely waiting for a man who was never going to come back. These words did hurt me, and if I am being honest now, I have to admit that I wondered if they might be right, but I decided that I was more comfortable living with my doubts and fears than forcing myself to do something that I really didn't want or was prepared to do.
Did this make me foolish? Or naive? Quite possibly. But I don't like to consider myself a fool. Yes, I was participating in wishful thinking. Yes, I lived with blinders on. But in the end, my husband did come back and we did save our marriage. Still, I think it's oversimplifying things to say that we saved our marriage because of my stubbornness. It took a lot of hard work and even some luck. But, if I had listened to every one and had given up, then we would not have had the opportunity to save our marriage.
And in this wife's situation, it was not like the husband was completely cutting himself off from the wife or giving her no hope. He was in regular contact and was encouraging at times. With this said, I felt that it was potentially important for the wife to begin to live her life. This didn't mean that she had to turn her back on her marriage or admit that it was over. Nothing said she had to date again. But there was no reason that she couldn't get out with friends or do other things that she might enjoy while she was waiting. And often, your living your life will actually help in your quest to get him home.
People often assume that the opposite is true but I rarely see that being the case. In my own situation, when I began putting myself out there and no longer waiting idly in my home to respond to my husband's every whim, he respected me more. And when I started traveling on my own to see friends and family, this is when he really became interested again. Let me make clear that although I was living my life, I was always clear in my own mind that I was going to give my marriage every chance and that I wasn't abandoning it. But I also knew that for my own health, I needed to stop holding my breath while I was waiting. In truth, I could wait but still live my life. And as soon as I made this decision, my husband was suddenly interested again. I'm not saying this is going to happen every time. Maybe I got lucky, but living your life will often make the waiting easier to bear.
To answer the question though, I don't think that waiting for your husband to come home makes you naive or foolish. I think it just makes you committed and maybe a little stubborn, but I don't see anything wrong with these attributes as long as you are remaining healthy and upbeat in other areas of your life.
As I alluded to, my husband left me and I stubbornly waited for him for much longer than my friends felt I should. But you know what? My waiting and my stubbornness contributed to my saving my marriage. I know that I was lucky. But I couldn't have been lucky if I had given up. If it helps, you can read the whole emotional story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com/
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