In our experience, the single thing that people want most from marriage is "a best friend." Not sex, not security, not children. Sure, we want all those but most of all we want a best friend -- a friend with whom we can share triumphs, tragedies, joys and sorrows. A friend with whom we can enjoy a sunset or a football game. A friend with whom we can talk, or not talk and either is OK. If that is what you want from your marriage, here are some suggestions.
Refuse to fall into the trap of the politeness paradox
Sometimes it seems as though we are more polite to the waiter or waitresses than we are to our spouse. We are more polite to the stranger on the airplane, than we are to our spouse. It seems somehow that the closer we are to someone, the less polite we are. Yet logically we should be more polite to those we treasure than to complete strangers. We call that the politeness paradox.
Suppose that some clothing being worn by another was (in your opinion), unflattering. Which of these three things would you say or do to: 1) a stranger, 2) a friend, 3) your partner.
a) That makes you look fat.
b) That outfit really isn't as flattering as some others.
c) (Nothing) just smile and talk about something else.
Suppose someone spilled coffee on you. Would your words and actions be the same if the person were your spouse, your best friend, a waitress, a preacher, a stranger?
How do you feel about your answers? Were you most polite to the stranger? If so, you are not alone. We seem to feel that closeness provides license to say anything, and that closeness gives us the responsibility to make our partner perfect. Not so!
Be as polite to your spouse as you are to strangers.
To have a friend, be a friend!
Maybe when you were a child, someone gave you this advice. It may sound simple, but many excellent ideas are. To improve your relationship, be the first one to do friendly things -- don't wait for your partner. If you are getting a glass of water, get one for your spouse. If you want to watch TV, watch the show that your spouse wants to watch. If you make a mistake, apologize. Of course those are examples, the rule is:
Treat your partner as you want to be treated -- that is, as a friend.
Eliminate the negative
Dr. John Gottman has done research that says that one negative comment to your partner can cancel out five positive comments or actions. Other research by Dr. Scott Stanley suggests that the ratio may be as high as twenty to one -- one negative comment undoes the good work of twenty positive comments. That tells us that by simply eliminating negative comments we can greatly improve a relationship.
A letter to Ann Landers told of a relationship that was dying and heading for divorce. Both partners constantly teased, were sarcastic and sniped at each other. The wife decided to eliminate all negative and critical comments. Biting her tongue in some cases, she was able to resurrect the marriage in a few months. This was a case where the wife was acting alone, her husband did not know that she was changing. As his wife stopped the negative comments, he gradually stopped his. In a few short months they were friends again.
A word of caution, don't take this article to your partner and say "See, you should quit making negative comments." Rather, take the initiative. Eliminate the negative and critical and sarcastic from your vocabulary. It won't be easy, but try it for several months. Then discuss it with your partner and try to enlist him or her in the program.
Don't make negative comments to your partner -- no matter how much you want to.
A friend is "one who has no immediate plans for your improvement."
Not exactly a dictionary definition, but think about it. If your friend doesn't do things exactly the way that you would, or the way you wish they would, do you try to change them? Do you give them daily advice? Do you give them orders? Most of us reserve those things for our partners.
Of course it is with the best of intentions that we seek to make our spouse perfect. But somehow our constructive criticism isn't taken the way that we meant it. Our advice doesn't seem to be accepted. Our orders are resented. But we know that. That's why we don't try to improve our friends. Somehow we forget when it is our partner.
Let your spouse be responsible for his or her improvement.
Have problem free times.
Being married brings on a whole new set of problems. The house, the children, the finances, sharing responsibilities, all present problems which pop up in various forms daily. These problems need to be discussed -- and in general we recommend discussing problems when they come up rather than letting them simmer.
But there should be times in a marriage that are "problem free" -- when neither of you will not bring up problems. Discuss this with your partner. You might decide that as a couple you will not bring up problems during the dinner hour. Or perhaps, not at bedtime. Or not on Mondays, or whatever you decide as a couple. There are few problems that can't wait a little while before you tackle them.
Set aside problem free times.
Plan fun times.
Before you married, you probably had dates -- specific times when you went out, dressed up, were on your best behavior, and did fun things together. Often in a committed relationship, we stop having dates. We seem to think dates are not necessary, or cost too much, or are too much trouble, or we're too tired,... Married couples need dates more than anyone. We need times just for fun.
Discuss this with your partner. Plan date times and don't let anything get in your way. Lots of things will come up to interfere with your dates. Money will be tight. Baby-sitters will be hard to find. Job commitments will come up.
Plan an occasional week end away -- even if it is only one weekend a year. Plan some "date" time weekly -- even if some of the dates are simply taking a walk. But treat those times like a date. Dress up. Be on your best behavior. Treat your partner like your lover.
Don't let anyone or anything prevent you from having dates with your partner -- the more frequent the better.
Work on it.
Want to change the politeness paradox? Write a note to yourself. Take five minutes a day to review your day and if you were impolite to your partner somewhere along the line, apologize! Write down your plan to treat your partner like a friend. No negative comments? Write it down. Have problem free times? Discuss it with your partner and agree to set aside the time. Want fun times? Again, discuss it with your partner, set up the times, and stick to it -- don't let anything interfere with your fun times.
Almost nothing worth having comes without work. Your relationship is worth the work. A partner that is your best friend can make your life a joy.
Good luck!
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