I sometimes hear from wives who have given their husbands an ultimatum to change his behavior or else accept that the marriage is over, and he's disappointed them by refusing to do so. Typically, he is either unwilling or unable to change, even if it means that his marriage is at risk because of this.
I heard from a wife who said: "I will not tolerate my husband's behavior anymore and I have told his as much. My husband has a drinking problem and because of this, he loses jobs, he isn't there for me, and he embarrasses our kids. I tolerated this for many years, but I will not do it anymore. Three months ago, I told my husband that he had to change to save our marriage. He told me that he would. He promised he would go to counseling or seek help from a professional. But he hasn't done that. There will be some weeks where he won't drink and I will get my hopes up, but he always reverts back to his old behaviors. I told him that if he really loved his family or wants to make our marriage work, then he will do whatever is necessary to change. He promises that he wants to change and begs me not to take his family from him, but then when it's time to go to counseling, he refuses to go. Yesterday, he told me that I knew who he was when I married him and that if I love him, I will accept all of him, even his flaws. I'm at the end of my rope. I do want to save my marriage, but I also want him to change and he refuses. What can I do?"
This is a very heart breaking situation because often, when you are dealing with addictions, the person really does want to change but, despite their best intentions, they struggle to do so because they don't have the tools to make the changes necessary on their own. Change is extremely difficult in any situation. However, when family is important, then it is possible. But it takes a lot of compromise, hard work, and determination. Sometimes, it helps to break the tasks down into much smaller steps. Hearing words like "you have to change or else" can be very overwhelming. I will offer some tips on how to make change more manageable in the following article.
You May Have More Success If You Break The Change Down Into Manageable Steps So That Your Husband Has Small, Constant Successes: The wife in the above scenario believed that her husband wanted to change. But he had never had long term success because alcoholism is an issue that is extremely difficult to overcome without a great deal of help. That's why when you are pushing for any significant change, you want to break it down into very manageable pieces that gives your husband a greater chance of success. Otherwise, he can feel like a failure before he ever really gains any momentum.
For example, the first goal might be to find a program or counselor. The next step would be to begin to regularly attend. The next step would be to go a week without drinking. And with each success, you want to praise your husband and make it very clear how much his willingness to change means to you.
Try To Show Him Praise Rather Than Disappointment: It's very easy to become frustrated when your husband fails yet again. It's very natural to want to guilt or force him into changing, especially when your children are negatively affected by his behavior. But many experts agree that positive reinforcement is much more effective than negative reinforcement. Major life changes take time. There are usually some steps backward before you achieve 100% success. If you reiterate how angry and disappointed you are in your husband every time he messes up, he may begin to wonder if he should even bother because he's always disappointing you or falling short.
But if you praise his small victories and try to have patience with the set backs, this is more likely to inspire your husband to keep moving forward because he wants to please you. It's important to understand that sometimes his lack of change doesn't have anything to do with the desire to change, it's sometimes that he doesn't have the tools or ability to change. I don't mean to imply that you shouldn't set high standards and expect change. You should. But you should make it easy for him to obtain some praise on a regular basis.
Get Him Professional Help If It's At All Possible: If you're asking your husband to make a major change in his life, try your best to get him the help that he needs to be successful. All of us want to believe that all he needs to do is make up his mind to change, but this often just isn't the case. Major behavioral modification takes time and expertise. I understand your wanting immediate, drastic and lasting change. But wanting it to happen and actually having it happen or two very different things. Sometimes, to have the best chance of success, you need to get outside help or at least educate yourself about the process.
Understand That His Changing And Saving Your Marriage Are Two Different Goals: Wives often truly believe that if their husband just changes, their marriage will magically be fixed. And while it's true that a sober husband would make saving this marriage much easier, often you will need to address more than just the initial problem. Often, the original problem leads to others. Sometimes, you'll need to rebuild the trust, erase the resentments, and learn new ways to communicate. But often, giving him an ultimatum is not the most effective way to go about this. In my opinion and experience, you will often have a better chance of success if you encourage him rather than threaten him. I don't say this to discourage you. Because you deserve for him to change. You are right to want him to change. But if the goal is to keep your family in tact, positive reinforcement is generally more effective in my opinion.
Honestly, my husband and I both needed to make some changes to save our marriage. The process wasn't easy, but we are so much happier now and our relationship is so much more healthy for both of us. It took small steps to get us where we are today. If it helps, you can read about that entire process at http://isavedmymarriage.com/
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