Managing Change and Its Effect on Your Relationships

Change is stressful and difficult. Human beings are creatures of habit. When people want change they typically mean that they want others to adjust or they want a system or rule to be modified. People very seldom want to change themselves and even when they want it, they are often unwilling to do what it takes to bring about the transformation. This is no different in relationships. We typically want our spouses to change and of course we ourselves don't need any changes, right? Most couples who come see me when things go wrong, blame their spouses and want them to change. Most times they deny any problems of which they are accused. Today we are not going to talk about changing as people though; we are going to talk about external changes that impact our relationships.

His company wants to relocate him and she does not want to move to a different city. She wants to have children and he is not ready yet. She wants a bigger home or he wants a new car. Regardless of what the change is, we all face change, that is for certain. Change can happen to us without our consent; such as losing one's job, disability from an accident, and so forth. Change impacts our relationships whether we like it or not. Sometimes such alteration is good and sometimes it is disastrous. So how can we manage change to minimize any potential negative impact on our relationships?

1. When possible, honestly and deeply discuss the potential change with your spouse and find out how he or she feels about it.

2. If the change is optional, make the decision to change together; both spouses need to agree and take responsibility for the decision together. If things go wrong a joint decision eliminates any blame games.

3. If possible, take change slowly. Introduce the changes in steps, with time in between, to get used to the change.

4. Accept one change at a time, don't lump many changes together. Every change happening together builds on all the stress of each individual stress until it becomes overwhelming. Changing careers, moving, getting married, and having surgery all within a few months, for example, is not a good idea. If possible, stagger these changes over time.

5. Build on your strengths and accept changes in the areas which you feel confident in.

6. Make sure you are healthy and getting enough exercise before taking on any changes.

7. Be positive.

Pierre F. Steenberg, Ph.D., D.Min. is a relationship expert, a counselor, and a marriage seminar presenter. http://www.designinghearts.com/

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Tips For When Your Husband Refuses To Change To Save Your Marriage

I sometimes hear from wives who have given their husbands an ultimatum to change his behavior or else accept that the marriage is over, and he's disappointed them by refusing to do so. Typically, he is either unwilling or unable to change, even if it means that his marriage is at risk because of this.

I heard from a wife who said: "I will not tolerate my husband's behavior anymore and I have told his as much. My husband has a drinking problem and because of this, he loses jobs, he isn't there for me, and he embarrasses our kids. I tolerated this for many years, but I will not do it anymore. Three months ago, I told my husband that he had to change to save our marriage. He told me that he would. He promised he would go to counseling or seek help from a professional. But he hasn't done that. There will be some weeks where he won't drink and I will get my hopes up, but he always reverts back to his old behaviors. I told him that if he really loved his family or wants to make our marriage work, then he will do whatever is necessary to change. He promises that he wants to change and begs me not to take his family from him, but then when it's time to go to counseling, he refuses to go. Yesterday, he told me that I knew who he was when I married him and that if I love him, I will accept all of him, even his flaws. I'm at the end of my rope. I do want to save my marriage, but I also want him to change and he refuses. What can I do?"

This is a very heart breaking situation because often, when you are dealing with addictions, the person really does want to change but, despite their best intentions, they struggle to do so because they don't have the tools to make the changes necessary on their own. Change is extremely difficult in any situation. However, when family is important, then it is possible. But it takes a lot of compromise, hard work, and determination. Sometimes, it helps to break the tasks down into much smaller steps. Hearing words like "you have to change or else" can be very overwhelming. I will offer some tips on how to make change more manageable in the following article.

You May Have More Success If You Break The Change Down Into Manageable Steps So That Your Husband Has Small, Constant Successes: The wife in the above scenario believed that her husband wanted to change. But he had never had long term success because alcoholism is an issue that is extremely difficult to overcome without a great deal of help. That's why when you are pushing for any significant change, you want to break it down into very manageable pieces that gives your husband a greater chance of success. Otherwise, he can feel like a failure before he ever really gains any momentum.

For example, the first goal might be to find a program or counselor. The next step would be to begin to regularly attend. The next step would be to go a week without drinking. And with each success, you want to praise your husband and make it very clear how much his willingness to change means to you.

Try To Show Him Praise Rather Than Disappointment: It's very easy to become frustrated when your husband fails yet again. It's very natural to want to guilt or force him into changing, especially when your children are negatively affected by his behavior. But many experts agree that positive reinforcement is much more effective than negative reinforcement. Major life changes take time. There are usually some steps backward before you achieve 100% success. If you reiterate how angry and disappointed you are in your husband every time he messes up, he may begin to wonder if he should even bother because he's always disappointing you or falling short.

But if you praise his small victories and try to have patience with the set backs, this is more likely to inspire your husband to keep moving forward because he wants to please you. It's important to understand that sometimes his lack of change doesn't have anything to do with the desire to change, it's sometimes that he doesn't have the tools or ability to change. I don't mean to imply that you shouldn't set high standards and expect change. You should. But you should make it easy for him to obtain some praise on a regular basis.

Get Him Professional Help If It's At All Possible: If you're asking your husband to make a major change in his life, try your best to get him the help that he needs to be successful. All of us want to believe that all he needs to do is make up his mind to change, but this often just isn't the case. Major behavioral modification takes time and expertise. I understand your wanting immediate, drastic and lasting change. But wanting it to happen and actually having it happen or two very different things. Sometimes, to have the best chance of success, you need to get outside help or at least educate yourself about the process.

Understand That His Changing And Saving Your Marriage Are Two Different Goals: Wives often truly believe that if their husband just changes, their marriage will magically be fixed. And while it's true that a sober husband would make saving this marriage much easier, often you will need to address more than just the initial problem. Often, the original problem leads to others. Sometimes, you'll need to rebuild the trust, erase the resentments, and learn new ways to communicate. But often, giving him an ultimatum is not the most effective way to go about this. In my opinion and experience, you will often have a better chance of success if you encourage him rather than threaten him. I don't say this to discourage you. Because you deserve for him to change. You are right to want him to change. But if the goal is to keep your family in tact, positive reinforcement is generally more effective in my opinion.

Honestly, my husband and I both needed to make some changes to save our marriage. The process wasn't easy, but we are so much happier now and our relationship is so much more healthy for both of us. It took small steps to get us where we are today. If it helps, you can read about that entire process at http://isavedmymarriage.com/

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I've Been Served With Divorce Papers? What Are The Chances My Husband Will Change His Mind?

I often hear from panicked wives who are in one of two situations. Either their husband has informed them that he has filed divorce papers. Or, the wife knows that he has filed them because she has been served with a copy. Most of the wives who contact me do not want a divorce. They are hoping with everything that they have that their husband will somehow change his mind. Many ask for my help in ensuring that this is going to happen. And many want to know their chances or odds for success.

I heard from a wife who said "three weeks ago, my husband admitted that he had seen an attorney and was going to file for a divorce. I begged him not to do that. I told him we could go to counseling or recommit to our marriage. And things seemed to improve a little between us. That's why I was so shocked to be visited by a process server at my job who handed me divorce papers. I immediately called my husband and begged him to change his mind. He admitted that he still loved me but he insisted that he just doesn't think our marriage will make it. I know if he would hear me out and give me a chance, we could make things work. How many men change their mind after filing for serving divorce papers? Is this a lost cause?"

The Lack Of Statistics Available For This Situation: I certainly don't think that it's always a lost cause. In preparation for this article, I tried to see if I could find any statistics that might help me to answer this question. I didn't find anything that gave me any specific numbers. I believe the reason for this is probably that legal professionals likely only keep track of divorces that actually go through, not those that don't. And, even if there were a way to track divorces that don't end up being final, it's probably not always clear which spouse changed their mind.

I could (and did) tell this wife what I see from correspondence that I get. But this is by no means scientific and might not even be that accurate since most people who contact me very much want to save their marriage. It's fair to say that those I hear from are very motivated to avoid a divorce.

But, it's not at all rare for me to hear back from happy wives who report that their husband did indeed change his mind, or at least agreed to mediation or a delay before making things final. So, it most certainly is not impossible. However, being fair and balanced, some wives are unable to change their husband's mind, which has seemingly long been made up. I have had a couple of people report getting back together and remarried after a final divorce so this is not out of the question either. Sometimes when I tell wives this, they ask me what they can do to increase the chances that their husband will change his mind about the divorce. I have a definite opinion on this, which I will share with you now.

Things That Might Increases The Chances That Your Husband Will Change His Mind About The Divorce (Even After Filing): Before I get in to those things that I see helping with this situation, I want to caution about the things that I most universally see hurt it. When you are looking in the eyes of a divorce and the thing that you fear most is on the horizon, it's very easy to feel desperate and to act on those feelings. Because you feel like you will do anything to keep the divorce from being final. So if you have to resort to small threats or just stopping short of begging, or even attempting to make him feel guilty or ashamed, then so be it. Heck, many wives have no problems playing the kid card in this situation because desperate times call for desperate measures. I understand these temptations because I experienced them myself. But they didn't make my situation better. They made it worse.

No one likes being threatened, manipulated or forced into feeling negative emotions. As a result, he will often pull away from you even more or feel more negatively about you when you try these things. I know that this is not what you want to hear. But it is true. Sometimes women that tell me that they did wear their husbands down using these methods. But guess what? The victory doesn't last. Because he's not really there because he wants to be. He is there because he gave in. And one day he will realize that and want to leave or divorce again and it will just be that much harder for the wife to pull a rabbit out of the hat all over again.

Now that we've covered avoiding negativity, where does that leave you? Doing just the opposite. Focusing on the positive. Conducing yourself with grace and respect. I know that this might seem crazy to you. But you want for him to look at you and think that maybe he was wrong, or hasty, or both. He's not going to do that if you are acting mean, nasty, desperate, or irrational. Make it very hard for him to dislike you or to feel defensive around you right now. In some states, there is court mandated mediation or counseling. Use it. Make sure that every time you interact with him, you are pleasant and easy to be around. Because if you are, that will give you the best chance of him looking at you and wondering if just maybe he made a mistake.

Does this strategy work every time? I'm afraid not. But it works enough of the time that it is most certainly worth a try. Not only does it give you the best chance of getting him to change his mind, but if the divorce should go through you have put yourself in the best position to get back together or afterward or at least maintain a healthy relationship until he comes to his senses.

How do I know this? Because I was in this exact situation. My husband was one of those that changed his mind about the divorce. But not until things came down to the wire and not until I made many mistakes that almost costs me my marriage. If it helps, you can read that very personal story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com/

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