Thinking Compromise Instead of Divorce

There are reasons why the married population remains substantially higher in numbers than the singles do. In addition, many of the singles would welcome a chance to marry. After all, marriage is tied to emotional and sexual fulfillment, elevated social status, security, and companionship. No one enjoys being really alone, and marriage and family ensures that they shouldn't have to be. So if the institution of marriage is such a sought-after situation, why are so many people getting divorced? Instead of feeling blessed to have found a person to go through life with them, these discontented marrieds have the mindset that being single again with be the answer to all of their problems.

They're wrong, though. So are those you think that marriage is a dying institution and flaunt the standards of society to live together without benefit of legal sanction and to produce child after child in the environment of non-commitment. Marriage is sanctioned by God in the Holy Bible, and for generations it has been regarded as the basic unit of society. Divorces didn't used to be as easy to get, and people tried harder to make their unions work for the long-term. As recently as the 1950s there were few children who lived in anything but a biological 2-parent family. Now, however, single and step parents have become the norm. How can this be healthy for our impressionable children?

Any close relationship between two people, whether married or not, is bound to have its ups and downs. It's very seldom that two people mesh so perfectly that there are no fights, no arguments, and no disagreements. Both men and women in the United States are raised to be independent thinkers, and both need to learn the art of compromise to make a marriage work. Keeping lines of communication open is a key. When you understand your spouse, it's easier to see where he or she is coming from when your opinions differ.

The general theory used to be that it was necessary to stay together no matter what because of the children. In recent decades, experts have decided that this isn't any good, either. They often advocate separation or divorce rather than trying to get along. Once again, they're all wrong. No one should have to live in an environment where they are unhappy, but the key is not divorce. Instead, the key to happiness is making the effort to build a strong foundation and then continue to work hard at maintaining closeness and married love.

Find out how to know when your marriage is over at: Free marriage advice or here: Save My Marriage.

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4 Unhappy Marriage Signs You Need To Look Out For - How To Avoid Common Causes of Divorce

Many experts say that there are four (core) unhappy marriage signs, and there are some things you can do about them (as they tend to be major sources of distress for the marriage partners in marriages where they manifest). These four are also, coincidentally, the common causes of divorce. But by the time matters get to a point where divorce is contemplated, many marriage partners tend to have lost the plot: to a point where they can't see the connection between these four issues and the contemplated divorce. Yet when attempts to dig deeper are made, it usually tends to emerge that the four issues we are just about to look at are actually the common causes of divorce (that is, the 'underlying causes' in divorce cases).

The ideal scenario

Before proceeding to look at the four unhappy marriage signs, it may be a good idea for us to pause momentarily, and try to understand what would constitute a happy marriage. That is where we'd come to learn that, in a nutshell, a happy marriage is one where the partners are (at least) 'fairly' satisfied with the relationship. Subsequently, the four unhappy marriage signs/common causes of divorce we'll be looking at tend to manifest in marriages where the partners aren't satisfied with their marriage relationships.

We are talking of the partners being at least 'fairly satisfied' keeping in mind that it is hard to come across marriages where the partners are fully/very satisfied with the relationships! That is because marriage often turns out to be a bubble-bursting affair: one where people's expectations are shattered. You have to keep it in mind that the initial attraction between the spouses who eventually marry tends to have chemical and hormonal underpinnings. Unfortunately, those hormonal and chemical underpinnings of initial attraction tend to shift with time, leading to a situation where, to put it mildly, the love tends 'to cool down a bit' as the years progress.

Thus while newly wed couples may confess to being 'very/fully' satisfied with the relationships, those who have been married for some time are likely (at best) to describe themselves as being 'fairly satisfied' with the relationships. That is alright, and many relationship experts would view it as the 'normal state of affairs.' Problems, however, creep in when the dissatisfaction grows to a point where the partners in the marriage get to a point where they can describe themselves as being 'very dissatisfied' with the relationships. This state of affairs is usually brought about by the build-up of major 'commissions' and/or 'omissions' on the part of the partners to the marriage relationship. And once we get to a point where the parties to the marriage describe themselves as being 'very' or 'totally' dissatisfied with the relationship, we end up with unhappy marriages - whose signs include:

Communication lapses

These normally manifest through 'silent treatments.' It is where, on account of a perceived wrong committed against him or her, a partner to the marriage relationship may opt to stop talking to the other one (the offending partner). The spouses who are subjected to the silent treatment in turn opt to retaliate (keeping in mind that, in some cases, they are not even told about the mistakes they are being subjected to the 'silent treatments' on account of). That then leads to a situation where the marriage partners are quiet to each other, which can, in the worst case scenario, lead to total communication breakdowns, which are amongst the common causes of divorce.

Another manifestation of communication lapses is that of frequent (and bitter) arguments. Whilst there are some relationship experts who argue that arguments are 'healthy' in marriages, there is consensus that when the arguments become bitter (thus turning into quarrels), they are no longer nice. Few people would actually argue with the fact that such frequent arguments-turned-into-quarrels are amongst the surest unhappy marriage signs.

So, what can you do about these communication lapses? Well, in most cases, what you need to do in order to resolve these communication lapses is to 'swallow your pride.' Where there is an argument or a quarrel, the solution is normally to have one partner concede that the other one is actually right (without being sarcastic), and the argument/quarrel is resolved. Where there is a case of silent treatment between parties to a marriage, what is necessary to resolve the whole situation is to have one partner swallow his or her pride and 'break the silence.'

At a more fundamental level, to prevent the communication lapses from manifesting in the first place, what the parties to the marriage need to do is develop two habits. One of those is the habit of thinking carefully before speaking (so that they don't hurt each other with words, which often leads to communication lapses). This is not just about thinking about the words to be uttered, but also the inferences that may be drawn from the words. The other one is the habit of listening -- and showing that one is listening (seeing that spouses tend to lash out bitterly whenever they feel that they are not being listened). Again, this is about not just listening to the words uttered, but also the messages communicated 'between the lines.'

Infidelity

Infidelity and the issues (like suspicions between spouses) that come with it tends to be amongst the surest unhappy marriage signs - that is, signs you can't interpret in any other way. As we mentioned earlier, an unhappy relationship is one where the partners are very dissatisfied. This dissatisfaction is what leads to infidelity. And needless to say, the issues like jealousy and resentment that come with infidelity tend to be amongst the common causes of divorce.

What you can do about infidelity (in order to prevent it from taking place) is to ensure that your spouse's needs - physical and psychological - are well met. It sounds simplistic, but the dissatisfaction that leads to infidelity tends to arise as a result of either unmet physical needs or unmet psychological needs. That is the root cause. The 'psychological needs' we are talking about here are simple things like attention (where spouses need to feel that attention is being paid to them).

Verbal or physical abuse

Verbal of physical abuse is yet another prominent member in the family of unhappy marriage signs. Normally, this verbal or physical abuse is preceded by lapse in communication (which we looked at earlier). These too, are among the common causes of divorce.

And while verbal abuse may be dealt with between the partners (through things like forgiveness and re-establishment of communication channels), where there are cases of physical abuse, it is usually wise to involve third parties. The stakes can go pretty high, and nobody should have to live with physical abuse.

Partner secretiveness

Yet another often ignored member in the family of unhappy marriage signs is partner secretiveness. It may look minor, but this is also one of the common causes of divorce. When we get to a point where partners to a marriage have stopped sharing their fears and hopes, we know that we have an unhappy marriage (even if the partners are still on 'talking terms' with each other).

In many cases, partner secretiveness is induced by loss of trust or the feeling that the other partner simply doesn't care.

Spouses facing this problem in their marriages are often advised to work on improving their emotional (or even physical) intimacy. That has the effect of re-strengthening the bond between them, to a point where they can start having deeper conversations and sharing their hopes and fears again.

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Create a Long Lasting Marriage and Avoid Divorce

All married couples want a relationship that would last a lifetime but not everybody knows how to create a lasting marriage. Keeping a marriage is not easy but it is something that can be achieved with commitment and the right understanding of what you are getting yourself into. Although there is no perfect marriage, couples are capable of creating a long-lasting marriage if they are willing to work on the following elements.

Honor the commitment. Many couples were able to survive the difficult times in their marriage because they were able to understand and honor their marriage commitment. Any marriage has its flaws and imperfections but the way couples handle those imperfections make a great difference. Couples should take their wedding vows seriously and the vows are not something that can be thrown out of the window in times of difficulties or trials. Trials are supposed to strengthen the marriage and not ruin it. Couples who accepted their vows as serious commitment are bound to create a long-lasting marriage and divorce is not an option.

Mutual respect. Marriage is a union of two people and they should become as one. Although couples are united as one, they are still two different people who may clash once in a while due to their different beliefs, opinions, etc. Your differences can put a strain in your marriage if you do not know how to respect each other. So to create a long-lasting marriage mutual respect is a must.

Willing to sacrifice for your spouse. One characteristic of true love is that you are willing to sacrifice and give way for your spouse. You do not have to be a martyr type of spouse but in a marriage there are situations that you have to give way to make your spouse happy. In a marriage, it is not about you anymore. To create a long-lasting marriage, you have to learn how to compromise or you have to know how to sacrifice for your spouse because this is something that people do for someone they really love. If you are willing to sacrifice for your spouse, the marriage will grow stronger.

Satisfying lovemaking. Couples are vulnerable to temptation if they are not sexually satisfied. Lack of intimacy can put your marriage in danger. One of the reasons of infidelity is sexual dissatisfaction. Couples connect emotionally and physically during lovemaking so both should reach the level of satisfaction to make the lovemaking something to look forward to. A healthy and satisfying sex life is important if you want to create a long- lasting marriage.

Share responsibilities. Couples often have their own jobs or careers and it is best to share responsibilities at home especially if you have kids and errands to accomplish. Keeping a marriage, a career and keeping things in order at home are too much for one person to handle. So to avoid stress in your marriage, share responsibilities. Help your spouse to keep things smooth at home. This is also another opportunity to do things together and strengthen your marriage.

It takes a lot of work and dedication to create a long-lasting marriage but it is not impossible for couples to spend the rest of their lives together.

If your marriage is going through difficult times, there are ways to save your marriage and avoid divorce. Visit Saving a Troubled Relationship

To know more about dating, love and relationships visit The Best Love Guide

Gerry Restrivera writes informative articles on various subjects including Create a Long Lasting Marriage and Avoid Divorce. You are allowed to publish this article in its entirety provided that author's name, bio and website links must remain intact and included with every reproduction.

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I've Been Served With Divorce Papers? What Are The Chances My Husband Will Change His Mind?

I often hear from panicked wives who are in one of two situations. Either their husband has informed them that he has filed divorce papers. Or, the wife knows that he has filed them because she has been served with a copy. Most of the wives who contact me do not want a divorce. They are hoping with everything that they have that their husband will somehow change his mind. Many ask for my help in ensuring that this is going to happen. And many want to know their chances or odds for success.

I heard from a wife who said "three weeks ago, my husband admitted that he had seen an attorney and was going to file for a divorce. I begged him not to do that. I told him we could go to counseling or recommit to our marriage. And things seemed to improve a little between us. That's why I was so shocked to be visited by a process server at my job who handed me divorce papers. I immediately called my husband and begged him to change his mind. He admitted that he still loved me but he insisted that he just doesn't think our marriage will make it. I know if he would hear me out and give me a chance, we could make things work. How many men change their mind after filing for serving divorce papers? Is this a lost cause?"

The Lack Of Statistics Available For This Situation: I certainly don't think that it's always a lost cause. In preparation for this article, I tried to see if I could find any statistics that might help me to answer this question. I didn't find anything that gave me any specific numbers. I believe the reason for this is probably that legal professionals likely only keep track of divorces that actually go through, not those that don't. And, even if there were a way to track divorces that don't end up being final, it's probably not always clear which spouse changed their mind.

I could (and did) tell this wife what I see from correspondence that I get. But this is by no means scientific and might not even be that accurate since most people who contact me very much want to save their marriage. It's fair to say that those I hear from are very motivated to avoid a divorce.

But, it's not at all rare for me to hear back from happy wives who report that their husband did indeed change his mind, or at least agreed to mediation or a delay before making things final. So, it most certainly is not impossible. However, being fair and balanced, some wives are unable to change their husband's mind, which has seemingly long been made up. I have had a couple of people report getting back together and remarried after a final divorce so this is not out of the question either. Sometimes when I tell wives this, they ask me what they can do to increase the chances that their husband will change his mind about the divorce. I have a definite opinion on this, which I will share with you now.

Things That Might Increases The Chances That Your Husband Will Change His Mind About The Divorce (Even After Filing): Before I get in to those things that I see helping with this situation, I want to caution about the things that I most universally see hurt it. When you are looking in the eyes of a divorce and the thing that you fear most is on the horizon, it's very easy to feel desperate and to act on those feelings. Because you feel like you will do anything to keep the divorce from being final. So if you have to resort to small threats or just stopping short of begging, or even attempting to make him feel guilty or ashamed, then so be it. Heck, many wives have no problems playing the kid card in this situation because desperate times call for desperate measures. I understand these temptations because I experienced them myself. But they didn't make my situation better. They made it worse.

No one likes being threatened, manipulated or forced into feeling negative emotions. As a result, he will often pull away from you even more or feel more negatively about you when you try these things. I know that this is not what you want to hear. But it is true. Sometimes women that tell me that they did wear their husbands down using these methods. But guess what? The victory doesn't last. Because he's not really there because he wants to be. He is there because he gave in. And one day he will realize that and want to leave or divorce again and it will just be that much harder for the wife to pull a rabbit out of the hat all over again.

Now that we've covered avoiding negativity, where does that leave you? Doing just the opposite. Focusing on the positive. Conducing yourself with grace and respect. I know that this might seem crazy to you. But you want for him to look at you and think that maybe he was wrong, or hasty, or both. He's not going to do that if you are acting mean, nasty, desperate, or irrational. Make it very hard for him to dislike you or to feel defensive around you right now. In some states, there is court mandated mediation or counseling. Use it. Make sure that every time you interact with him, you are pleasant and easy to be around. Because if you are, that will give you the best chance of him looking at you and wondering if just maybe he made a mistake.

Does this strategy work every time? I'm afraid not. But it works enough of the time that it is most certainly worth a try. Not only does it give you the best chance of getting him to change his mind, but if the divorce should go through you have put yourself in the best position to get back together or afterward or at least maintain a healthy relationship until he comes to his senses.

How do I know this? Because I was in this exact situation. My husband was one of those that changed his mind about the divorce. But not until things came down to the wire and not until I made many mistakes that almost costs me my marriage. If it helps, you can read that very personal story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com/

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My Husband Wants A Separation Or Divorce Because I Don't Appreciate Or Respect Him Enough

I often hear from wives who are still in shock that their husband has, seemingly out of the blue, announced that he wants a divorce or separation because he does not feel like an equal partner in the marriage. Sometimes, he has hinted or complained about this issue for a long time and it has finally gotten to the point where he wants to take some action. Other times, this is the first that the wife has heard of this topic and she's a bit floored and unsure how to proceed.

I recently heard from a wife who said: "last week my husband came home and told me that he wanted out of our marriage, I did not see this coming. When I asked him what was making him so unhappy, he said that he didn't feel like I respected and appreciated him enough. I have heard this from him before, but I never thought that he would take it to this level. I have a high stress job and he doesn't. I make more money than him. So sometimes, I have to stay late after work or go in on weekends. As a result, sometimes he has to pick up the slack and do the cooking or tend to the kids. Obviously he has been resenting this all along because now he is telling me like I don't treat him as an equal partner in our marriage. He says that I do not realize that he has feelings and talents too. He says that in my eyes it is all about me and I never brag about him or seem to appreciate him. He actually told me that I treat him like the hired help. I told him that I would never want him to feel this way and that, from today on, I would make a very conscious effort to do better. Because I do appreciate and respect him. But he says it's too little too late. He says that I give him the impression that he is not good enough for me and he can not live that way anymore. He says he wants to feel like his kids' father rather than their nanny. He announced that he had found an attorney and that I would get paperwork soon. What now? How do I respond to this? I do respect and appreciate my husband. How can I show him this before he really does divorce me?"

This is a tough situation, but it is not uncommon. Many women in today's economy are more successful and earn more than their husbands. And although the wife never even brought this up or made a big deal about it, the husband felt second best. This is common when the husband has to take on a supporting role with the house or children. It's very easy to assume that your husband is well adjusting and accepting of his role when in reality he is feeling belittled and unappreciated. One of the most troubling issues here was that the husband had only dropped little hints along the way. Sure, he would sometimes tell his wife that he was feeling taken for granted, but he never made it sound like a big deal. So, as a result, the wife didn't take any action and the husband felt that he had to do something really dramatic (like ask for a divorce) in order to get her attention.

Making Your Husband Understand That You Do Respect And Appreciate Him: Of course, the wife was now in a position where she had some major catching up to do. And there was a real risk that the husband would think that she was just saying or doing things in order to get back in the husband's good graces again so that things could just continue on in the way they had been. It's very important that he believes that you are absolutely sincere about showing him the respect and appreciation he deserves.

How do you do this? By paying attention to all he does and then verbalizing and doing little things to show him that you truly do notice and appreciate him. You might verbally thank him or even do something to lighten his load. Maybe you volunteer to take a chore or task off of his hands so that he can go and play basketball with his friends or do something else that he enjoys. Encourage him to pursue his own dreams because he may be frustrated to see you pursuing your dreams while he is not because he is trying to pick up all of the slack. As he is more fulfilled with himself, he will be less likely to feel resentful and unappreciated.

The very worst thing that you can do is to downplay his feelings, tell him that he is overreacting, or belittle his need for appreciation and validation. And one of the best things that you can do is brag about him and praise him in front of your and his friends. You want to make him feel invaluable.

What If I Try My Best To Make Him Feel Respected And Appreciated And He Still Wants Out And Is Going forward With The Divorce?: In that case, you may have to accept that the process may take longer than you originally appreciated or hoped. He may suspect that you are just telling me what he wants to hear just to get him to call off the divorce. So, it's quite possible that he doesn't yet trust and believe you. That's why you need to make absolutely sure that your actions are in alignment with your words. People can and do say anything when they are faced with the divorce that they don't want.

But over time, as you keep right on telling him the same things and keep right on showing him your appreciation and respect, he will be more likely to believe what you say and act accordingly. I know that things can be difficult when he's turned cold and distant. In that case, you have to make the most of those little moments and those little opportunities to show him that you really do know, understand, and value what is important to him. He needs to believe that what is important to him is just as important to you because you are equal partners.

My husband and I ended up separating when I was both working and going to school. I had a very full schedule and he did not. As a result, he ended up not feeling like an equal partner and he sought a separation. It took a lot of work and effort to make him realize that I did appreciate and respect him. And eventually, this allowed to me to save my marriage. If it helps, you can read through that whole process on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com/

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What Marriage And Divorce Can Do For Your Weight

Emotionally and mentally, marriage can have positive effects on an individual. If one is inspired and is free from stress, for instance, he or she can reap the great benefits marriage can bring.

Having a happy and stress free disposition can make one contented and inspired to do his chores at home or tasks in his place of work. It can boost one's confidence and lead him or her to do well in whatever his tasks may be.

But this does not happen all the time because as we all know, trials occur along the way which can lead to conflicts and other problems. When challenges exist, couples tend to become tensed and may even experience an emotional roller coaster.

Apart from the emotional and mental effects, though, did you know that marriage as well as divorce can also impact an individual's physical being? A new research conducted by a team from the Ohio State University has shown that marriage and divorce can affect a person's weight. But there's a difference on how the weight is affected in men and women.

It has been found that women often gain weight after their wedding. Men, on the other hand, tend to increase their weight after a divorce. This applies to couples aged 30 and above regardless whether they're married or divorce.

The authors of the study pointed out that the weight gain in their research among married and divorced people should not be ignored. They added that if this condition continues and the persons concerned don't take action to control their weight, they could face health risks moving forward.

The research team also pointed out the reason married women gain weight can be attributed to the fact that they are often preoccupied with their household chores or their work. As such, many of them no longer have time to do some exercise to stay in shape compared to the unmarried women.

Men, on the one hand, were found to stay fit while married but tend to gain weight when divorced. After a divorce, there are men who tend to ignore themselves and keep on eating whatever they like. This then leads to weight gain.

What the research points out is that people are likely to gain weight when they experience changes in their personal status such as getting married or divorced. The team from the Ohio State University surveyed some 10,000 people to find out the effects of marriage or divorce on an individual's weight. They also took into account the other factors such as pregnancy, education, socio-economic status and poverty.

Previous research has also shown the same effects on the weight of married people. The Journal of Obesity Research in 1999 found that those who got married developed the same eating habits as their partner that led to weight gain. The study that covered 376 pairs showed that spouses became very much alike after living together as married couples over time. Often when one of the spouses eat more than the other, chances are the other one will develop the same eating habit.

For helpful tips and information on marriage and family, visit TheMarriageCounselingBlog.com.

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