Qualities in Relationships

A behavior I've observed on the part of a number of men is going for women who have one set of qualities but expecting in a relationship an opposite set of qualities. Specifically, they are attracted to artistic free-spirited women, but want in a relationship a traditional wife. The result is that they chase down the women they find attractive and then spend the relationship beating them down in an attempt to force them to be what they want in a long-term relationship. And this can only be a recipe for disaster.

If the woman accepts the traditional wife role, then she loses what made her attractive to the man in the first place, and his feelings for her go away. Whereas if the woman, despite the abuse, remains in any way what she had been when the man had wooed her, then that is incompatible with his relationship expectations and draws further attack from the man. In either case, the results are disastrous, and this can only be a recipe for ongoing misery both for the woman and for the man.

The only way to solve this problem is to have enough understanding to realize what qualities lead to what outcomes. If one gets together with an artistic free-spirited woman, then one should expect the woman to act according to these qualities. To expect her to metaphorm into a traditional wife simply because she is with oneself is entirely unrealistic. If one wants someone who'd scrub his floors and cook his dinner, then he should go for women who are into that kind of thing and save both the next person and himself.

Now I have heard many men complain that Western women do not make good wife material. My response to that is that the Western man is not limited in his marital choices to Western women. There are 3 billion women in the world, and many of them have little to look forward to in their home countries except poverty and brutality. Many of them for that reason dream of marrying a Western man. If you are a Western man who has had it with feminism-influenced Western women: Get together with a woman from elsewhere in the world. Give someone a chance at a better life, and give yourself a chance at a better life with someone who would be grateful and treat you accordingly.

In either scenario, the solution comes from intelligence. It comes from understanding what qualities one finds attractive, what qualities one wants in a long-term relationship, and whether or not these qualities are compatible. Going for what one finds attractive while expecting the opposite in a relationship can only lead to misery on the part of everyone involved. Figure out what you want in a marriage and go for that. It's not as if Western men are at any kind of a disadvantage in having a choice of women from around the world.

Original article

5 Strategies For Creating Extraordinary Relationships

Do you know how to create an extraordinary, passionate, and loving relationship?

It's no secret that intimate relationships are the cause of more pain and more pleasure than any other area in our lives. Romance, love and passion are all powerful forces. They pull us in. Yet, they can turn our world upside down, leaving us in pain just as easily as they can lift us up to amazing heights of happiness, joy and fulfillment.

We can feel an amazing deep connection one day and then wonder what happened as we struggle to make sense of our partner. What happened to the spark that initially caused that intense attraction...where did it go?

How do you bridge the gap back to what was once an amazing connection, from the cold reality of today's existence? Is it even possible to return to love?

Maybe it's our partner's fault because they changed, and we don't feel attracted to them anymore. Sometimes we can have no idea where they are even coming from. What if you barely get along? Even conversations can be stressful. What do we do about this constant struggle to relate over even the most basic issues? And how do we know when to give up and move on?

Our friends and family have all kinds of ideas about what we should do, but none of it works. After all, most of them are not exactly role models for fulfilling relationships.

There are plenty of couples who have extraordinary intimate relationships even after 40-50 years together. Relationships do not normally lose love, connection and passion over the years. What is the standard that you have for your relationship? Are you modeling an extraordinary relationship today, or have you settled for something that is lukewarm at best.

Re-ignite the spark in your relationship with these 5 Strategies:

1). Stop arguing with your partner. Do not try so solve any disagreements. Leave those alone for now. Do not try to fix anything that you think is wrong with your partner. This may seem strange to you, but it will free some of the essential energy needed to restore your relationship. Trying to prove you are right is not the answer that you need.

2). Be who you were in the beginning of the relationship. You probably were playful and fun to be around back then. Maybe you were even downright silly because love can do interesting things to you... can't it? You are not doing what you were in the beginning, or it would be like it was in the beginning. If you truly loved someone what would you do for them?

3). Have heartfelt understanding for your partner. Put yourself in their shoes and FEEL how they feel. This is not head -felt understanding. This is about the heart. What do you notice when you are in their shoes? There are always two sides to every story. Do you know your partners side of the story? Maybe there is something that you need to do as a result of this new understanding.

4). Put your partner first; their hopes, their dreams, their desires. Focus on giving your partner what they need. Do you know what they need? Can you give it to them in the way that they want to receive it? You can't just intellectualize this. You have to actually give to them. This is not about waiting for your partner to give to your first. You be the one to give first. When there is really love and passion, and not just people who tolerate each other, or stay together for the kids, you will always find that they put their partner first.

5). Get back to your core masculine or feminine energy. Like two magnets, it takes polarity, or opposite energy to cause attraction. However, turn one of the magnets around and they repel each other. This happens in relationships when couples get depolarized. People get discouraged because they don't know how to meet each others needs so a shift in energy occurs. In 95% of all couples both men and women are well intentioned towards their partner but feel constantly misunderstood and frustrated by their needs and communication style.

For example: Men don't feel like they can succeed so they get tentative, and women protect themselves by being strong. A man might give up because he can't figure out how to make the woman happy taking on a more feminine energy, and the woman becomes frustrated with the man's ability to understand her so she takes on more masculine energy.

At first, this might be a very subtle shift. But over time, this lack of polarity is like cold water poured on the spark of attraction, and... it's gone. In my opinion, this is the biggest single issue that causes challenges in relationships, and the #1 cause of divorce.

Intimate relationships can be relatively easy when you know what to do. Passion can be like a switch that you turn on when you have the right energy in a relationship. It is independent of age or time spent together.

Imagine what a difference a loving, fulfilling, intimate relationship will make in your life. Imagine what it might be like to know that every day your relationship is growing in love. These 5 strategies used effectively can shift even the most difficult, challenging situations. Now decide what you want your relationship to ultimately look like, and what you will do next in order to have it?

Original article

Compromise in Relationships: Do You Have a Companionate Marriage?

Companionate Marriage?

No, I didn't mean to say "compassionate".

This is a term that means both partners share all tasks within the marriage equally. No one's career is more important, and nothing is the sole responsibility of either person.

Sounds nice, huh? This is the modern couple at it's best, you might say.

However, no matter how hard people try to maintain such a relationship, grievances still occur. After all, we are only human, right?

There is no right or wrong way to run your marriage. (Yes, I said "run" it. Because that's what we do.) But compromise in relationships can only happen if both partners know exactly what to expect from each other.

If you are a woman who wants a companionate marriage, then you have to ask yourself if it's in your contract. Not sure what I mean? Then read on.....

What Kind of Contract Do You Have With Your Partner?

"We don't have a contract," you say.

Well, I have to disagree with that. All marriages and/or relationships have an unwritten, often unspoken contract that you mutually agree to on a certain level.

Don't believe me?

Let me give you an example. In the book When Smart People Fail by Carole Hyatt and Linda Gottlieb, the authors explore the "contracts" people make when they are in love.

According to them each contract has two components: economic and emotional.

This is their sample of a traditional contract:

Man:" I will earn a good living for us [economic contract] and be strong at all times for you [emotional contract]."

Woman: "I will not work outside the home [economic contract], and I will be the mother to your children and supportive of your needs [emotional contract]."

That one doesn't work for you? How about this one?

Man: "I am an artist and cannot be looked to for money [economic contract]; I agree to be volatile and exciting [emotional contract]."

Woman: "I will earn the income in this family [economic contract], and I will be emotionally steady so that you can be volatile [emotional contract]."

There are as many types of relationship contracts as there are people, but some are based on an equal partnerships while others emphasis one partner as being dominant in either economic or emotional parts (or sometimes both).

However, this does not imply that both parties are necessarily happy with the arrangement. In fact, people often "agree" to situations that later feel quite unhappy for them.

Compromise In Relationships

According to the book, relationships can usually survive if one part of the contract is broken. However, if both parts are broken, then severe troubles usually erupt. In many cases this leads to divorce.

Therefore, it sometimes become necessary for a couple to renegotiate their contract. Time passes by, situations change and people change.

So let's say that a couple has the traditional relationship contract. The man is the rock. He is the financial and emotional provider for his wife. Then suddenly he loses his job, and worse, can't find a new one.

His wife will most likely support him and help him through this struggle. But let's say the man goes a very long time without finding new employment and then his emotional state starts to crumble.

His wife is left looking at this shell of a man wondering, "Where is the rock I married? Where has my security gone?"

Once these feelings start to seep into a relationship, it can really undermine the way both people feel about their roles in the relationship.

His sense of failure in compounded when he feels like he is failing his wife and family. She, in turn, feels like lots of responsibilities are piling up on her that she didn't sign up for.

The loss of a job is not the only thing that can send a relationship reeling. Anything stressful life event can bring on a situation that threatens your comfortable roles.

So it is important to sit down with your partner and discuss your implied contract BEFORE hardships come your way (and they ALWAYS come, sooner or later).

Compromise in relationships often comes from one or both partners deciding to be honest about being unhappy. If you partner comes to you with this information, don't see it as a failure but rather an opportunity for growth.

Dig deep and really be honest about what is going on between the two of you. There is no wrong kind of contract. Whatever you both agree to is perfectly fine. The point is to know what to expect from each other and to make sure that both individuals are happy with their role.

The more prepared you are, the better you can weather any storm.

Companionate Marriage Versus Traditional Marriage

So which one is better? Neither. If you both like the more traditional model of marriage, then by all means go for it. In fact, traditional marriages where the wife stays home are becoming the latest thing these days. It is "hip" again.

There are also lots of variations of the "traditional" marriage. For example, my husband works and I stay home to take care of the kids and our home. However, I also happen to work online. With this arrangement I am able to always put our home life first, and my work comes second. We are able to do this because he sees our financial security as mainly his concern [economic contract]. And I see the needs of our family as mainly my concern [emotional contract].

It works for anyone in our family, and we are all happy. Your arrangement should make you happy, too. If your current situation is not what you want it to be, sit down and talk to your partner. Don't know where to start?

There is a great way to learn compromise in relationships by educating yourself on what your partner really desires and expects from you. This resource digs really deep and touches all the areas that couples need to discuss. Here's the best part. It's more comprehensive than any other resource you will find on the internet (or in most book stores).

Find out what your partner truly values in you and in your relationship. And finally get your thoughts heard too. This is a crucial step to working out the best contract for you and your partner.

Want your partner to truly understand you? This is where you start.

(p.s. Don't put it off. Go ahead and start talking about it today.)

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Angela Christian Pope has a psychology degree and extensive experience counseling couples. She is also the creator of ModernRelationship.org, an innovative website designed to help both men and women in all stages of relationships. Get answers to your burning questions, plus some advice you never knew you needed!

Visit our website for helpful (and sometimes funny) resources to help you make your relationship better, no matter how darn good it already is.

Original article

Managing Change and Its Effect on Your Relationships

Change is stressful and difficult. Human beings are creatures of habit. When people want change they typically mean that they want others to adjust or they want a system or rule to be modified. People very seldom want to change themselves and even when they want it, they are often unwilling to do what it takes to bring about the transformation. This is no different in relationships. We typically want our spouses to change and of course we ourselves don't need any changes, right? Most couples who come see me when things go wrong, blame their spouses and want them to change. Most times they deny any problems of which they are accused. Today we are not going to talk about changing as people though; we are going to talk about external changes that impact our relationships.

His company wants to relocate him and she does not want to move to a different city. She wants to have children and he is not ready yet. She wants a bigger home or he wants a new car. Regardless of what the change is, we all face change, that is for certain. Change can happen to us without our consent; such as losing one's job, disability from an accident, and so forth. Change impacts our relationships whether we like it or not. Sometimes such alteration is good and sometimes it is disastrous. So how can we manage change to minimize any potential negative impact on our relationships?

1. When possible, honestly and deeply discuss the potential change with your spouse and find out how he or she feels about it.

2. If the change is optional, make the decision to change together; both spouses need to agree and take responsibility for the decision together. If things go wrong a joint decision eliminates any blame games.

3. If possible, take change slowly. Introduce the changes in steps, with time in between, to get used to the change.

4. Accept one change at a time, don't lump many changes together. Every change happening together builds on all the stress of each individual stress until it becomes overwhelming. Changing careers, moving, getting married, and having surgery all within a few months, for example, is not a good idea. If possible, stagger these changes over time.

5. Build on your strengths and accept changes in the areas which you feel confident in.

6. Make sure you are healthy and getting enough exercise before taking on any changes.

7. Be positive.

Pierre F. Steenberg, Ph.D., D.Min. is a relationship expert, a counselor, and a marriage seminar presenter. http://www.designinghearts.com/

To receive your free PDF on using Genograms to analyze your relationship please visit: http://www.designinghearts.com/

Original article