Tips For When Your Husband Refuses To Change To Save Your Marriage

I sometimes hear from wives who have given their husbands an ultimatum to change his behavior or else accept that the marriage is over, and he's disappointed them by refusing to do so. Typically, he is either unwilling or unable to change, even if it means that his marriage is at risk because of this.

I heard from a wife who said: "I will not tolerate my husband's behavior anymore and I have told his as much. My husband has a drinking problem and because of this, he loses jobs, he isn't there for me, and he embarrasses our kids. I tolerated this for many years, but I will not do it anymore. Three months ago, I told my husband that he had to change to save our marriage. He told me that he would. He promised he would go to counseling or seek help from a professional. But he hasn't done that. There will be some weeks where he won't drink and I will get my hopes up, but he always reverts back to his old behaviors. I told him that if he really loved his family or wants to make our marriage work, then he will do whatever is necessary to change. He promises that he wants to change and begs me not to take his family from him, but then when it's time to go to counseling, he refuses to go. Yesterday, he told me that I knew who he was when I married him and that if I love him, I will accept all of him, even his flaws. I'm at the end of my rope. I do want to save my marriage, but I also want him to change and he refuses. What can I do?"

This is a very heart breaking situation because often, when you are dealing with addictions, the person really does want to change but, despite their best intentions, they struggle to do so because they don't have the tools to make the changes necessary on their own. Change is extremely difficult in any situation. However, when family is important, then it is possible. But it takes a lot of compromise, hard work, and determination. Sometimes, it helps to break the tasks down into much smaller steps. Hearing words like "you have to change or else" can be very overwhelming. I will offer some tips on how to make change more manageable in the following article.

You May Have More Success If You Break The Change Down Into Manageable Steps So That Your Husband Has Small, Constant Successes: The wife in the above scenario believed that her husband wanted to change. But he had never had long term success because alcoholism is an issue that is extremely difficult to overcome without a great deal of help. That's why when you are pushing for any significant change, you want to break it down into very manageable pieces that gives your husband a greater chance of success. Otherwise, he can feel like a failure before he ever really gains any momentum.

For example, the first goal might be to find a program or counselor. The next step would be to begin to regularly attend. The next step would be to go a week without drinking. And with each success, you want to praise your husband and make it very clear how much his willingness to change means to you.

Try To Show Him Praise Rather Than Disappointment: It's very easy to become frustrated when your husband fails yet again. It's very natural to want to guilt or force him into changing, especially when your children are negatively affected by his behavior. But many experts agree that positive reinforcement is much more effective than negative reinforcement. Major life changes take time. There are usually some steps backward before you achieve 100% success. If you reiterate how angry and disappointed you are in your husband every time he messes up, he may begin to wonder if he should even bother because he's always disappointing you or falling short.

But if you praise his small victories and try to have patience with the set backs, this is more likely to inspire your husband to keep moving forward because he wants to please you. It's important to understand that sometimes his lack of change doesn't have anything to do with the desire to change, it's sometimes that he doesn't have the tools or ability to change. I don't mean to imply that you shouldn't set high standards and expect change. You should. But you should make it easy for him to obtain some praise on a regular basis.

Get Him Professional Help If It's At All Possible: If you're asking your husband to make a major change in his life, try your best to get him the help that he needs to be successful. All of us want to believe that all he needs to do is make up his mind to change, but this often just isn't the case. Major behavioral modification takes time and expertise. I understand your wanting immediate, drastic and lasting change. But wanting it to happen and actually having it happen or two very different things. Sometimes, to have the best chance of success, you need to get outside help or at least educate yourself about the process.

Understand That His Changing And Saving Your Marriage Are Two Different Goals: Wives often truly believe that if their husband just changes, their marriage will magically be fixed. And while it's true that a sober husband would make saving this marriage much easier, often you will need to address more than just the initial problem. Often, the original problem leads to others. Sometimes, you'll need to rebuild the trust, erase the resentments, and learn new ways to communicate. But often, giving him an ultimatum is not the most effective way to go about this. In my opinion and experience, you will often have a better chance of success if you encourage him rather than threaten him. I don't say this to discourage you. Because you deserve for him to change. You are right to want him to change. But if the goal is to keep your family in tact, positive reinforcement is generally more effective in my opinion.

Honestly, my husband and I both needed to make some changes to save our marriage. The process wasn't easy, but we are so much happier now and our relationship is so much more healthy for both of us. It took small steps to get us where we are today. If it helps, you can read about that entire process at http://isavedmymarriage.com/

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Worried Your Husband Will Begin To Move On During Your Trial Separation? These Tips Might Help

I often hear from wives who see a trial separation not as an opportunity, but as a risk. They worry that their husband is just using the separation as an opportunity to eventually get a divorce or to move on from their marriage.

I heard from a wife who said: "my husband has been pushing for a trial separation for months. And since he made this suggestion, things have deteriorated between us. I have directly asked him if he's using this separation as an excuse to start living as a single person. I've asked him if he intends to start seeing other women and to move on with his life. He says that at this point, he is not sure. He says there is a difference between being happily married and separated and that he plans to live his life as a separated man and then evaluate how that feels to him or if it makes him happy. To me, this means that he plans to move on as soon as possible. My husband says I shouldn't make these assumptions. But how can I not? What do I do with all of these fears that I have? It affects how I'm interacting with my husband."

Having been in this situation myself, I know that people will tell you that you shouldn't worry so much or that your anxiety is going to hurt your cause. But of course, this is easy for them to say. I know how this feels, and it's very difficult. On the one hand, you feel as if you can't afford to let him walk out the door. But on the other, you know that you must. But you do it with a heavy heart because you know that he may not ever come back. This leaves you with the option of trying to set it up so you have the best chance of him not moving on. I will discuss how to do this in the following article.

Don't Allow Your Anxiety To Make It More Likely That He Will Want To Move On. Don't Push Him Away: One thing you need to understand is that ultimately, if your husband feels in his heart that he wants to move on, he may act on this no matter what you say or do. While it's possible to delay him actually moving on, the truth is that if he really wants to, he eventually probably will. It can be very hard to ignore what your heart and your gut is telling you to do forever.

So the real key for you is to try to set it up so that his heart is NOT telling him to move on. And, when you're constantly saying things like: "are you using this separation as an excuse to move on?" Or, "you're going to move on, aren't you?" then you actually make these things more likely. I know that you feel very anxious and I understand why you do. But, be very conscious of not allowing your anxiety to fuel your responses and your behaviors. As difficult as it may be, if you act as if you are confident that he will remain committed to you during the trial separation, then you make it more likely that he actually will be.

When you feel your anxieties running away from you, remove yourself from the situation and do whatever it takes to calm down. Journal, do yoga, burn candles. Only you know what is most likely to help you cut back on your stress, but make sure that you are as calm as possible when you interact with your husband.

Understand That Your Interactions With Your Husband During The Separation Are Going To Influence Whether He Moves On Or Not: Here is another thing to remember. When you are separated, your husband is either going to think of you positively or negatively. The more negatively he thinks of you, the more likely it becomes that he is going to want to move on. So you need to do everything in your power to make sure that he thinks of you positively and wants to spend more time with you. Sometimes, this means backing off a little bit to allow him to miss you, to wonder about you, and to wish that things were different between you.

However, if you come on too strongly, constantly question your husband or make accusations that he's looking for excuses to move on, then he's less likely to miss you and he's more motivated to move on as a means to get further away from you to escape the drama. To that end, you want to make sure that you are easy to approach and interact with. You want to be friendly and open. I know that I'm asking a lot because sometimes, friendly and open is hard to pull off and when you're fearful and alone. But it's very important that make every attempt to show your husband that wonderful, playful woman that he fell in love with. Because, to a certain extent, he needs to fall in love with her again. Or at least he needs to be open to the idea that the love for her can return. Because once it does, he is much more less likely to want to move on because he knows that there is something, and someone, worthwhile to return home to.

I worried a lot about whether my husband would move on or not when we were separated. And, I think that there was a period of time when he was very close to doing so. Luckily, I stumbled onto a few things that worked to strengthen our relationship during the separation so that he didn't need or want to move on. If it helps, you can read about the strategies that worked on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com/

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My Husband Is Saying He's Confused About Our Marriage - What Should I Do?

I sometimes hear from wives whose husbands can't or won't be honest about his feelings toward the marriage. These husbands will sometimes claim that their feelings are conflicted and this usually makes the wife want to uncover his feelings that much more. And wives can wonder if he's legitimately confused or just using this as an excuse.

I heard from a wife who said: "our marriage has been in trouble for quite some time. Over the last couple of months, there has been no real intimacy between us and when we are together, we just stare at one another awkwardly. There isn't really anything for us to talk about because we are really two very different people. I finally got up my nerve and asked him if he was still committed and invested in my marriage. He told me that he didn't know because he was 'confused.' He said he didn't know how he felt about me or our marriage anymore. I told him that he would have to be more specific because I didn't know what 'confused' really means. He told me that there are some days when he wants to walk away from our marriage and some days when he thinks he wants to fight for it. I asked him which days are more frequent and he admitted that he has more days when he wants to walk away. So what does this mean for us? And how can I help him get past his confusion so he will work with me to save our marriage?" I have a definite opinion on this, as I dealt with it myself in my own marriage. I will share it in the following article.

A Husband's Confusion About Your Marriage Isn't The Worst Outcome: I know that this isn't an easy situation for you. It hurts to hear your husband say that he isn't sure about you and the marriage. However, many wives are dealing with a husband who has no confusion, because he is sure that his marriage is over. So while his confusion may be frustrating to you, at least he hasn't made up his mind that the marriage is over. At least he still has some positive thoughts about you and your marriage. This gives you something to build upon and tells you that all is not lost.

Don't Push Him Too Hard To "Get Over" His Confusion Before You Have Given Him The Time And Space To Do So: Of course you want for him to make up his mind as soon as possible. And the chances are good that you want for him to decide that he still wants you and your marriage. So, it can be very tempting to push in order to make this happen quickly. Even if you don't mean to, it's easy to start to apply some pressure to get him to not only make up his mind quickly, but to make up his mind to include the decision that you prefer.

This type of pressure can actually hurt your chances of making your marriage work. In my opinion and experience, you're generally going to be much better off being patient. Even if you don't feel this patience, try to take a step back and make it appear as if you do. You want for your husband to believe that you want him to be happy and you are willing to allow him to come to his own decisions. Now, understand that he is going to be more likely to be committed to your and your marriage if you act in a positive way while he's making up his mind. I know that this can be very challenging when you know that there is a real chance that when the confusion ends, he may walk away. But choose to focus on the positive because this gives you a better chance of getting the results you want.

What Does It Mean When He's Confused About Your Marriage?: It often means that he's having some conflicting feelings and he doesn't know which are more real or valid. Often, this "confusion" comes after you've had some struggles in your marriage, but this isn't always the case. Sometimes, husbands project other problems in their lives onto their marriage. The good news is that eventually, many come to realize that their wife or their marriage truly wasn't the problem. However, even if you suspect this, it's often not to your benefit to tell your husband that he's wrong or being selfish. If you allow him to figure this out on his own, that's the best outcome.

Can You Pinpoint The Source Of His Confusion?: Sometimes, the reason that your husband is confused is obvious. Sometimes, there are intimacy issues, another woman, or a certain conflict that just won't go away. If you know the source of the confusion, try to address it in a genuine and loving way. When I say genuine, what I mean by that is that you don't want it to be obvious that you are just trying to clean up the problems quickly to end his confusion. Instead, you want to make it clear that you are trying to solve your problem because you genuinely care about him and the marriage.

A Suggested Dialog: Instead of trying to strong arm your husband into making a quick decision that may be detrimental to you and your marriage, you might try something like: "I'm hurt to hear that you're confused about our marriage. My commitment is clear to me, but I understand that you might be struggling with some things right now. I have no problem giving you the time and space that you need because I love you and I want to save our marriage. If you can give me some feedback as to what might be the main source of your confusion, I'd be more than happy to work with you to resolve any issues so that the answer might be a little more clear."

Notice that in this conversation, you never told him his confusion was a stall tactic or was not genuine. And you never questioned his sincerity. It should be a given that you respect and accept his feelings. If you disagree with him or try to strong arm him into hurrying up and making up his mind, the implication is that your peace of mind matters more than his and you never want to give off this impression when your very marriage is at stake.

My husband's confusion about our marriage lead to a separation because I didn't handle it in the right way. I didn't take him seriously enough and he eventually wanted time on his own to evaluate his confusion. Only taking him seriously until after the separation was a huge mistake that almost costs me my marriage. Eventually though, I changed course and was able to save it. If it helps, you can read the whole emotional story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com/

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What to Do If Your Husband Doesn't Help at Home

Every woman has one in her life. As much as we wish it was a full-time maid, that's not it. We all have at least one friend who has the ideal husband. You know the type. He's the man who whips up a healthy breakfast for his wife each morning, does the dishes, works all day and then comes home to cook dinner, do the laundry, wash floors and take care of the children. You hear all about her perfectly, wonderful life while you're toiling over a hot stove with your children running circles around you complaining that they're bored or they need help with homework. How is it that the universe gave some women husbands who seem more than willing to tackle any household chore, yet some of us can't get our husbands to make a piece of toast if his life depended on it? It really has little to do with fate at all. Every husband has the potential to be helpful, attentive and supportive. It's up to us to learn how to draw those qualities out in him so he becomes a partner who not only wants to help at home, he's eager to do as much as he can.

If you're wondering what to do if your husband doesn't help at home there are a few ideas that you need to consider:

Talk to him about it. One major mistake that women make when they want something from their husbands is they wait for him to read their minds. Ladies, men just aren't that insightful when it comes to knowing what we want. You'll get far better results if you walk right up to your husband, and directly tell him what you need help with. Granted, you must not bark orders at him because he'll retreat into himself and nothing will get accomplished. Plan a quiet conversation with him where you'll detail all the things you wish he could help you with. Be kind and don't get too emotional. Men truly appreciate when a woman is able to communicate with them in a way that doesn't involve tears or too much emotion.

Give him more opportunity. Sometimes taking a detour to get to your destination is the best route to take. Such is the case when you're trying to get your husband to help you more at home. If you've already asked him to lend a hand and he hasn't yet stepped up to the plate you can give him a little push in the right direction. If you two have children, now may be the perfect time for you to escape for a weekend away with some of your girlfriends. If you can't afford a full weekend because of monetary or time constraints, make yourself busy at least one night a week. If your husband is forced into the role of full time caregiver and housekeeper for even a few hours one evening or a Saturday afternoon, he'll soon have a much better appreciation for everything you do. The bonus is that you get to have more time to yourself.

Leave some chores specifically for him. This suggestion is often the most challenging for reasons which will become very obvious momentarily. If your husband has chores that he's supposed to be responsible for yet you often pick up his slack, stop today. It doesn't matter if it's mowing the lawn or taking out the trash, if it's on his to-do list, it needs to be done by him. Obviously once the trash starts piling up, he'll have no choice but to attend to it. The same is true if he's told you he'll take care of his own laundry. Don't do it. Leave it for him to do when he decides he has time. Although this is certainly extreme and can become unpleasant, depending on what chores your husband has yet to do, it does get results.

Don't keep it to yourself if your husband doesn't help at home and you want him to. You need to change his behavior and attitude so you two reach a point where you no longer have to chase after him nagging him to help. He'll transform into one of those husbands other women dream of.

Are you tired of living in a relationship in which you feel neglected? Many married women find themselves feeling alone and rejected by their husbands. If you feel taken for granted, there's a way to change that now.

To learn more about how to transform your marriage so your husband loves and adores you more than he ever has before, visit this helpful site.

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What If My Husband Can't Forgive Me Anymore?

I sometimes hear from wives who fully realize and admit that their failing marriage is mostly their fault. Many are fully aware that they have made grave mistakes and that their husband is justified in wanting to separate or end their marriage. But this doesn't mean that they want to give up.

I recently heard from a wife who said: "I've made so many mistakes in my marriage. I had an affair. I have lied to my husband.. I've got us into credit card debt. I've lost jobs and worked sporadically. I haven't been the best wife. Of course, now that my husband is fed up with me and wanting a divorce, I can see very clearly where I went wrong. I am very sincere in wanting to change. I'm very determined to be a good wife if he would just give me the chance. But when I tell him this, he says he just doesn't have it in him to forgive me anymore. He says I've just made too many mistakes and that he just doesn't trust or believe in me because I have damaged our marriage too much. In my heart, I know that I deserve this, but I also know that I would change and could absolutely make him happy if he would give me the chance. What should I do?"

I can't offer any guarantees. The decision in this situation was the husbands to make. However, I don't think that this situation is hopeless either. I have seen these types of scenarios turn around more than once. But I think there's a right way and a wrong way to go about it, which I will discuss below.

Make Your Number Priority Your Husband's Needs Instead Of Your Need For Him To Forgive You: I know that right about now, it feels as if your first priority is to somehow get your husband to forgive you one last time. But if you place your focus here, your husband is likely to think that, once again, you are making it all about you and you are asking for more than you yourself are willing to give. He may well think that it's too little too late, especially if, once again, your focus in on what he can do for you.

In my experience and observation, you will have more success if you make your husband the focus instead of yourself. What can you do him? What can you do to show him that you understand what he wants and needs? Consider backing off of the pressure that you are placing on him to forgive you and focus instead on just being there for him and just improving whatever relationship he will allow you to have with him. If he's focused on friendship or just being cordial, accept that for now. Be grateful for what he gives you and don't appear greedy or insensitive by asking for more. It should be clear that your focus and concern is him rather than yourself.

Proving Yourself As Someone Who Is Worthy Of More Forgiveness: You should also be aware that one additional challenge you face is your husband's suspicion that anything you do or say is only meant to get him to forgive you. So if you are promising your husband change, understand that he is likely to have his doubts.

One way to over come these doubts is to just show up and continue to do exactly what you have promised. Be unwavering in your dedication to show (rather than tell) him the ways in which you have changed. Don't give him empty promises and meaningless words. Really give him the opportunity to witness the improvements that you have made first hand. Keep going this until he sincerely believes you.

It's OK if this takes some time. Your husband is worth the effort. And, at the end of the day, you want him to not only forgive you, but what you really want is a healthy and happy marriage that lasts well beyond the issues that you are having today. So anything that you are doing is paving the way for your marriage tomorrow. Don't take the short, easy, and insincere road. Look at your long term goals and conduct yourself in a way that you can be proud of. Your husband will be more likely to believe in your sincerity if you continue to do this. As such, he will also be more likely to believe that you deserve forgiveness and will be comfortable in offering the same eventually.

I have to admit that there were times when I was selfish in my marriage and my husband responded accordingly with wanting a separation. At first, my focus was on getting him to forgive me. But this backfired. He was tired of me wanting him to do things for me. Once I placed the focus on him, things changed for the better. If it helps, you can read the entire story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com/

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Thinking of Going Back to Your Husband to Try to Save Your Family? Tips And Advice That Might Help

Family can be a huge contributing factor in whether you attempt to save your marriage or not. Many people confess to me that were it not for their children, the decision of whether or not to end their marriage would probably be a lot easier. Children can even factor into equation once the couple has already separated. Sometimes, people see how much this shift upsets or confuses their children so they are motivated to consider trying once more.

I recently heard from a wife who said, in part: "I left my husband last month. We'd been fighting a lot and I suppose I was trying to get his attention because I wanted for him to take me seriously. He's been acting better and my kids really miss their dad. The other night, we all went out to eat and when he dropped us off and left, I found myself wondering what it would be like to just go back home. But I have my doubts because we haven't gotten any counseling or really changed anything. Still, I want so much to keep my family together. After I've gotten this little taste of being on my own I find that it's not as great as I had hoped. So I'm wondering if I should go back to my husband in an attempt to save my family."

This certainly wasn't a decision that I could make for this wife. It was clear that she was confused and having conflicting feelings. The fact that she missed her husband and saw staying together as a possibility was a positive sign, but the fact that nothing had really changed was certainly a concern. In the following article, I'll offer some things that you may want to think about if you're considering going back to your husband in order to save your family.

Don't Rush It. You Can Address Your Marital Issues While You're Separated. It Might Be Devastating To Your Family If You Have To Leave Twice: I understand how it feels to be away from your spouse when you are separated because I have been there myself. Everything feels so immediate. And you worry that if you don't go back now, you might never find your way back.

But I know from experience and by watching this scenario in many other couples that you are better off waiting until you can address at least some of your issues or know that you can reconnect and communicate again before you rush into something that might actually harm your marriage rather than save it.

It would probably actually be more confusing and hurtful to your kids if you went back home only to fight again, or worse, only to pack your bags, uproot the kids and leave once more. It's wonderful and admirable to want to save your family. But make sure that you have the tools and the time to do it right so that your kids end up with a healthy and happy family rather than one that was slapped back together in a rush but which will fall apart as a result sometime in the future.

Ask Yourself What Would Need To Change In Order To Make Your Marriage Work: The biggest problem that I see in this situation is that people go into it without a clear plan for change. Wanting to save your family is a very admirable goal, but that goal isn't going to do much to change your marriage and keep it from failing once again. In order to reach that goal and ensure that your family stays together for the long term, you'll often need to make some changes within your marriage so that not only do you stay together, but you are happy doing so.

If you are just going through the motions for the benefit of your children, but are not really happy, then your children are going to know the difference and might not get the full benefit of your getting back together. So while it's wonderful to vow to save your family, don't stop there.

Ask yourself what it would really take to make your marriage a happy one and vow to do everything you can to make those changes happen. Good intentions and hoping for the best are often not enough. You may love your husband desperately and be willing to do anything for your children. But if you don't put some changes or improvements in place, what is going to keep you from ending up right back here in the future?

At the same time, you don't want to dwell on your problems so much that you can't be spontaneous and just feel some joy to be back with your husband and family. It really is a delicate dance. You want to combine a new, light hearted attitude with really and truly getting down to work to make some lasting and important changes in your marriage. Because you want to be able to keep your family together forever in a marriage that is a happy one which sets a good example.

Think about it this way. The driving factor for you right now is your family and that is truly wonderful. But it doesn't make sense to bring your family back into a marriage that is only barely dragging itself along. You want your children to grow up with parents who have a happy and stable marriage because this is the example that you setting for your children's marriage. Therefore, you want to give them something worthwhile to model so that they will have their own happy marriage. This is a wonderful gift to give them and probably your true intention. So while I applaud and encourage your attempt to save your family, make sure that improving and fixing your marriage is equally as important.

I know how you feel because there was a time when I wanted to save my marriage at all costs, but I wasn't really thinking about how to fix it in the process. So our marriage suffered (and deteriorated) more and more as the result. It wasn't until I decided that I would accept nothing less than the best marriage I could possibly rebuild that things began to change. Not only did I save my marriage, but I created a marriage that was worth saving. If it helps, you're welcome to read that very emotional story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com/

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