Marriage - "Who Is Your Best Friend?"

In our experience, the single thing that people want most from marriage is "a best friend." Not sex, not security, not children. Sure, we want all those but most of all we want a best friend -- a friend with whom we can share triumphs, tragedies, joys and sorrows. A friend with whom we can enjoy a sunset or a football game. A friend with whom we can talk, or not talk and either is OK. If that is what you want from your marriage, here are some suggestions.

Refuse to fall into the trap of the politeness paradox

Sometimes it seems as though we are more polite to the waiter or waitresses than we are to our spouse. We are more polite to the stranger on the airplane, than we are to our spouse. It seems somehow that the closer we are to someone, the less polite we are. Yet logically we should be more polite to those we treasure than to complete strangers. We call that the politeness paradox.

Suppose that some clothing being worn by another was (in your opinion), unflattering. Which of these three things would you say or do to: 1) a stranger, 2) a friend, 3) your partner.

a) That makes you look fat.

b) That outfit really isn't as flattering as some others.

c) (Nothing) just smile and talk about something else.

Suppose someone spilled coffee on you. Would your words and actions be the same if the person were your spouse, your best friend, a waitress, a preacher, a stranger?

How do you feel about your answers? Were you most polite to the stranger? If so, you are not alone. We seem to feel that closeness provides license to say anything, and that closeness gives us the responsibility to make our partner perfect. Not so!

Be as polite to your spouse as you are to strangers.

To have a friend, be a friend!

Maybe when you were a child, someone gave you this advice. It may sound simple, but many excellent ideas are. To improve your relationship, be the first one to do friendly things -- don't wait for your partner. If you are getting a glass of water, get one for your spouse. If you want to watch TV, watch the show that your spouse wants to watch. If you make a mistake, apologize. Of course those are examples, the rule is:

Treat your partner as you want to be treated -- that is, as a friend.

Eliminate the negative

Dr. John Gottman has done research that says that one negative comment to your partner can cancel out five positive comments or actions. Other research by Dr. Scott Stanley suggests that the ratio may be as high as twenty to one -- one negative comment undoes the good work of twenty positive comments. That tells us that by simply eliminating negative comments we can greatly improve a relationship.

A letter to Ann Landers told of a relationship that was dying and heading for divorce. Both partners constantly teased, were sarcastic and sniped at each other. The wife decided to eliminate all negative and critical comments. Biting her tongue in some cases, she was able to resurrect the marriage in a few months. This was a case where the wife was acting alone, her husband did not know that she was changing. As his wife stopped the negative comments, he gradually stopped his. In a few short months they were friends again.

A word of caution, don't take this article to your partner and say "See, you should quit making negative comments." Rather, take the initiative. Eliminate the negative and critical and sarcastic from your vocabulary. It won't be easy, but try it for several months. Then discuss it with your partner and try to enlist him or her in the program.

Don't make negative comments to your partner -- no matter how much you want to.

A friend is "one who has no immediate plans for your improvement."

Not exactly a dictionary definition, but think about it. If your friend doesn't do things exactly the way that you would, or the way you wish they would, do you try to change them? Do you give them daily advice? Do you give them orders? Most of us reserve those things for our partners.

Of course it is with the best of intentions that we seek to make our spouse perfect. But somehow our constructive criticism isn't taken the way that we meant it. Our advice doesn't seem to be accepted. Our orders are resented. But we know that. That's why we don't try to improve our friends. Somehow we forget when it is our partner.

Let your spouse be responsible for his or her improvement.

Have problem free times.

Being married brings on a whole new set of problems. The house, the children, the finances, sharing responsibilities, all present problems which pop up in various forms daily. These problems need to be discussed -- and in general we recommend discussing problems when they come up rather than letting them simmer.

But there should be times in a marriage that are "problem free" -- when neither of you will not bring up problems. Discuss this with your partner. You might decide that as a couple you will not bring up problems during the dinner hour. Or perhaps, not at bedtime. Or not on Mondays, or whatever you decide as a couple. There are few problems that can't wait a little while before you tackle them.

Set aside problem free times.

Plan fun times.

Before you married, you probably had dates -- specific times when you went out, dressed up, were on your best behavior, and did fun things together. Often in a committed relationship, we stop having dates. We seem to think dates are not necessary, or cost too much, or are too much trouble, or we're too tired,... Married couples need dates more than anyone. We need times just for fun.

Discuss this with your partner. Plan date times and don't let anything get in your way. Lots of things will come up to interfere with your dates. Money will be tight. Baby-sitters will be hard to find. Job commitments will come up.

Plan an occasional week end away -- even if it is only one weekend a year. Plan some "date" time weekly -- even if some of the dates are simply taking a walk. But treat those times like a date. Dress up. Be on your best behavior. Treat your partner like your lover.

Don't let anyone or anything prevent you from having dates with your partner -- the more frequent the better.

Work on it.

Want to change the politeness paradox? Write a note to yourself. Take five minutes a day to review your day and if you were impolite to your partner somewhere along the line, apologize! Write down your plan to treat your partner like a friend. No negative comments? Write it down. Have problem free times? Discuss it with your partner and agree to set aside the time. Want fun times? Again, discuss it with your partner, set up the times, and stick to it -- don't let anything interfere with your fun times.

Almost nothing worth having comes without work. Your relationship is worth the work. A partner that is your best friend can make your life a joy.

Good luck!

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Save The Marriage - Can You Do It With A Trial Separation?

Trial break ups have definitely been gaining popularity. It gives married couples time away from each other. It can definitely be employed to save a marriage when done properly. It helps the couple to think and decide what's the best for both of them. However, it shouldn't be used as a pre divorce set up.

Just what is a trial separation? This refers to a time of a couple of days, several weeks, or months that partners intentionally spend apart. It has its rewards because it might help couples re-evaluate where their connection is. Spending time on your own or leaving the married home can yank people into motion. If you are learning how to save my marriage, this may be something you have to undergo.

Before you go into a trial separation, you really need to sit down and invent some guidelines and rules about it. First of all, you will really need to chat about how long the separation will go for. Talk about the living and spending arrangements. This features who leave the home and how the funds are handled. You should also talk about whether or not you will be allowed to date other people. It is also important that you maintain frequent contact. This can be in the form of weekly phone calls or meetings that both sides must attend. Talk about your feelings about the separation during these meetings and calls.

A trial separation isn't for everyone. For this to actually work, you really need to be sure that both sides are clear on the rules. If your spouse refuses, you have to tell your partner that it is not acceptable. Stand your ground and tell them that the without the regulations, the marriage is over. Both parties will really need to consider the fact that notwithstanding the arrangements, you are still married. They really need to realize that this does not mean they are unattached, it is just a way to save my marriage.

A trial separation is an extremely crucial choice to come to. It is a recognition that your marriage may end; it brings to light how bad things are. This can help you by putting an end to the arguing. It can be a sobering event too. It can help you wish and tell to yourself that 'I want to save my marriage '. Keep the above guidelines in mind when you wish to know how to save a marriage.

Rascall Morrison is a freelance article writer and a blogger. He wrote articles about dating and marriage issues, tips and advice to have a healthy and long lasting relationship.

Resources:

You can visit http://www.savemymarriagetoday.com/ for more information about the topic.

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Why Does My Wife Not Love Me Anymore? Understanding Your Spouse

The men who visit my blog on dealing with marital issues often want to know what they can do when they feel their wives don't love them anymore. It's incredibly challenging to be in a marriage in which you feel the other person doesn't care about you. You feel devalued, depressed and you begin to question whether divorcing may be the best solution. The largest obstacle in a situation like this is the fact that you may still love your wife deeply even though it's become very obvious that her feelings have changed dramatically. Although separation and eventual divorce is certainly an option, it should never be viewed as the only one. There are definitely steps a man in your position can take to change the future of the marriage. Giving up doesn't have to be your next move, not if you're committed to your wife.

I want to help you understand a distinction that needs to be made when you feel that your wife doesn't love you anymore. There's a very large difference between a woman feeling neglected, ignored and undervalued and a woman who isn't in love anymore. Your wife may feel emotionally disconnected from you at this moment but that doesn't necessarily mean that she's fallen out of love. If she hasn't told you directly that she no longer loves you, don't jump to that conclusion. If you're basing this determination on the fact that she seems withdrawn, sullen or preoccupied with everything but you, there are other reasons for that. It may just be that your marriage has fallen into a gully of mutual emotional neglect and you now have to be the one to rescue it.

Take it as a very positive sign if your wife has yet to say that she wants to separate or divorce. When a woman truly does feel as though she's fallen out of love with her husband, she'll, at the very least, entertain the idea of ending the marriage. This is the case regardless of whether there are small children involved. It's typically very hard for any woman to stay in a relationship in which she doesn't feel a committed connection to her husband.

As for what you can do to change this, there are many effective routes you need to be taking. My first suggestion is to gently speak to your wife about where the marriage is now and where you both envision it being in a few months and even, in a few years. If she's reluctant to discuss this right now, don't push. If you are relentless with trying to get her to talk with you about what she's feeling, you'll risk her shutting down completely which will result in an even more strained day-to-day life around your home.

If your wife does indeed feel neglected by you, you'll see some strong clues in the things she does and says. Many women take the passive aggressive approach and talk frequently about a "friend" who has the ideal husband. If this is something your wife falls back to doing, assume that the "friend" in question doesn't have the perfect marriage and that your wife is only trying to give you some ideas of what you could be doing a better job of.

Take better care of your wife emotionally. Make time each day to really connect with her on a one-on-on basis. She needs to see that you're still willing to devote yourself to her and that she's not at the bottom of your life's priority list. Bring her flowers. Even though that seems cliché it's a wonderfully loving gesture. Take her out for dinner just because you love her. Don't wait for special occasions to pamper her. Make it a daily ritual and soon she'll start to feel that you truly do adore her. When she understands that, her attitude and feelings toward you will change for the positive. It's really just a matter of giving your marriage the care it deserves.

Although things may feel bleak at the moment, there is hope to save your marriage and change your wife's feelings. You love her so commit to improving the marriage and helping her find her fulfillment in your relationship again.

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