I often hear from wives who are still in shock that their husband has, seemingly out of the blue, announced that he wants a divorce or separation because he does not feel like an equal partner in the marriage. Sometimes, he has hinted or complained about this issue for a long time and it has finally gotten to the point where he wants to take some action. Other times, this is the first that the wife has heard of this topic and she's a bit floored and unsure how to proceed.
I recently heard from a wife who said: "last week my husband came home and told me that he wanted out of our marriage, I did not see this coming. When I asked him what was making him so unhappy, he said that he didn't feel like I respected and appreciated him enough. I have heard this from him before, but I never thought that he would take it to this level. I have a high stress job and he doesn't. I make more money than him. So sometimes, I have to stay late after work or go in on weekends. As a result, sometimes he has to pick up the slack and do the cooking or tend to the kids. Obviously he has been resenting this all along because now he is telling me like I don't treat him as an equal partner in our marriage. He says that I do not realize that he has feelings and talents too. He says that in my eyes it is all about me and I never brag about him or seem to appreciate him. He actually told me that I treat him like the hired help. I told him that I would never want him to feel this way and that, from today on, I would make a very conscious effort to do better. Because I do appreciate and respect him. But he says it's too little too late. He says that I give him the impression that he is not good enough for me and he can not live that way anymore. He says he wants to feel like his kids' father rather than their nanny. He announced that he had found an attorney and that I would get paperwork soon. What now? How do I respond to this? I do respect and appreciate my husband. How can I show him this before he really does divorce me?"
This is a tough situation, but it is not uncommon. Many women in today's economy are more successful and earn more than their husbands. And although the wife never even brought this up or made a big deal about it, the husband felt second best. This is common when the husband has to take on a supporting role with the house or children. It's very easy to assume that your husband is well adjusting and accepting of his role when in reality he is feeling belittled and unappreciated. One of the most troubling issues here was that the husband had only dropped little hints along the way. Sure, he would sometimes tell his wife that he was feeling taken for granted, but he never made it sound like a big deal. So, as a result, the wife didn't take any action and the husband felt that he had to do something really dramatic (like ask for a divorce) in order to get her attention.
Making Your Husband Understand That You Do Respect And Appreciate Him: Of course, the wife was now in a position where she had some major catching up to do. And there was a real risk that the husband would think that she was just saying or doing things in order to get back in the husband's good graces again so that things could just continue on in the way they had been. It's very important that he believes that you are absolutely sincere about showing him the respect and appreciation he deserves.
How do you do this? By paying attention to all he does and then verbalizing and doing little things to show him that you truly do notice and appreciate him. You might verbally thank him or even do something to lighten his load. Maybe you volunteer to take a chore or task off of his hands so that he can go and play basketball with his friends or do something else that he enjoys. Encourage him to pursue his own dreams because he may be frustrated to see you pursuing your dreams while he is not because he is trying to pick up all of the slack. As he is more fulfilled with himself, he will be less likely to feel resentful and unappreciated.
The very worst thing that you can do is to downplay his feelings, tell him that he is overreacting, or belittle his need for appreciation and validation. And one of the best things that you can do is brag about him and praise him in front of your and his friends. You want to make him feel invaluable.
What If I Try My Best To Make Him Feel Respected And Appreciated And He Still Wants Out And Is Going forward With The Divorce?: In that case, you may have to accept that the process may take longer than you originally appreciated or hoped. He may suspect that you are just telling me what he wants to hear just to get him to call off the divorce. So, it's quite possible that he doesn't yet trust and believe you. That's why you need to make absolutely sure that your actions are in alignment with your words. People can and do say anything when they are faced with the divorce that they don't want.
But over time, as you keep right on telling him the same things and keep right on showing him your appreciation and respect, he will be more likely to believe what you say and act accordingly. I know that things can be difficult when he's turned cold and distant. In that case, you have to make the most of those little moments and those little opportunities to show him that you really do know, understand, and value what is important to him. He needs to believe that what is important to him is just as important to you because you are equal partners.
My husband and I ended up separating when I was both working and going to school. I had a very full schedule and he did not. As a result, he ended up not feeling like an equal partner and he sought a separation. It took a lot of work and effort to make him realize that I did appreciate and respect him. And eventually, this allowed to me to save my marriage. If it helps, you can read through that whole process on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com/