They're sitting across from me in my office - another young couple who have been married only two or three years, now wondering how and why it all seems to be falling apart. They were once so hopelessly in love - they could hardly bear to be apart from each other during the day, when they were at work. Everyone - friends, family, even strangers, looked at them and saw the "perfect couple."
And they certainly looked perfect. In fact, it was as if I were looking at Ken and Barbie come to life. But they were miserable, questioning if their marriage was a horrible mistake, and wondering if there was any hope of saving what had once seemed like their ideal destiny. How did things go so wrong?
When people fall in love (and older couples are not immune to this), scientists have identified a biochemical change that takes place. They are literally "high" on the chemistry of being in love. This experience is well documented - by poets, songwriters, and also by clinical scientific researchers. The problem is that this chemical change is temporary, lasting on average about 18 months. After that, the body settles back down into its normal balance, or homeostasis. It simply can't maintain that chemical rush over the long run.
So what happens then? Well, for many, they end up in my (or another therapist's) office. Inevitably, it becomes clear that while they were caught up in all the feel good joys of being in love, they neglected to look at the more mundane day in and day out, issues of living life, that sooner or later must be addressed.
These issues can be as simple as one being a morning person and the other not, or one being very concerned about healthy diet and the other, a junk food junkie. Sometimes, people believe that marriage is a miraculous cure for bad behavior. It's amazing how many think their partner will be more polite, drink less, pitch in more to help out, etc. after the marriage vows!
Why would anyone arrive at such a conclusion? Marriage is not a magic wand! Marriage also does not cause one to suddenly be more careful about how they spend money, or now agree totally with your religious, political, investment, decorating, or any other viewpoints or opinions, or become more interested in sex, love your family as much as they love their own, or.... you name it. I could go on and on.
If there is a single piece of wisdom I would tell people who are considering marriage, it is this: when a couple is dating, they are usually on their best behavior, because they are trying to impress and attract. If there are behaviors, differences, idiosyncrasies, or annoyances that concern you before you get married, you can be sure they will bother you more after!
Imagine all these characteristics a few years from now, after the chemical high is long gone, there are difficulties with his or her parents, you've just found out your job is being eliminated, the babysitter's sick, and your partner has put on 30 pounds since the wedding!
Is it hopeless? Of course not. Marriage is a wonderful institution, and there are many happy ones. But about half end in divorce, and of the other half, many are unhappy. As with so many things in life, it's important to be able to see the forest for the trees. It's pretty hard to do that when the forest is soaked with the dew of that chemical high.
Therefore, before saying your "I Do's," talk with an independent third party - a therapist or clergy person - who can help you see beyond the chemical haze and look at the practical day to day issues you are likely to face in your lives together. This "due diligence" is the best way I know to assure you're prepared for a very long and happy life together.
Lee Bowers is a Licensed Psychologist and Director of Suburban Psychological Services, Inc. in Villanova. She has been in practice for over fifteen years. Her doctorate is in Health Psychology and she is a Diplomate of the American Board of Psychological Specialties, and board certified as a Medical Psychologist. Her original training was in Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy, Marriage and Family Therapy, and Ericsonian Hypnosis.
In recent years, Lee has become more transpersonal and esoteric in her approach to psychotherapy, believing that for one to be whole, the body, mind, and spirit must be integrated. Deep (soul or Karmic) level meanings of client's problems can be explored if the client wishes, and together, client and therapist work towards a resolution that will be satisfactory to both the intellect and the spirit.
Dr. Bowers is a Reiki Master, a Master Practitioner of Transpersonal Neuro-Linguistic Programming, and a Master Hypnotherapist. She is a student, initiate, and teacher of the ancient Hawaiian psychospiritual practice of Huna, and incorporates Huna and other Shamanistic practices, energy (Chakra) balancing, Traditional Chinese Medicine, Applied Kinesiology, Aromatherapy, and Flower Essences.
To Learn More Visit: http://www.drleebowers.com/
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