Getting a Handle on Anger

"People with repressed anger are like pressure cookers. If a pressure cooker doesn't have an outlet to let off steam, it eventually explodes, and the food that was inside ends up all over the place. You have to let the cooker cool down, run it under cool water and then gently release the pressure." ~ Mack and Brenda Timberlake

Can you recall a time when you got angry and it felt like something began to take over you? After becoming angry, you probably did one of three things: You blew up and said things that you shouldn't, you bottled it up inside of you or found a way to recover.

As spouses it is imperative that we learn how to channel anger. We must find an outlet to rid ourselves of steam or negative emotions before an explosion take place. Some people take a walk, some pray, some go for a jog and others may engage in a favorite pastime. Whatever it is, find something that works for you. Personally, I have multiple channels which include solitude. This will work only if you are able to discontinue it in a decent amount of time; you should not go off alone for an extended period of time. It can send mix messages to your spouse and cause things to become worse.

After diffusing, you are then in a better position to resolve or at least discuss the issue without "hitting below the belt" or saying things that are harmful as they say in boxing. Many times I have said things that I not only regretted but that I couldn't take back. I've heard people say "Ahhh I'm sorry honey, I take back what I said about your mother". [Just a little in-law humor] The reality is, once words are released into the atmosphere you cannot retrieve them.

Unfortunately in some cases some hostile environments can lead to abuse, infidelity, or even death. However, if we choose to govern the choices we make then we can produce safer and more productive outcomes.

The Bible tells us to "pursue peace." Hebrews 12:14-15 It is vital that we make a sure effort to keep a peaceful lifestyle. Why? Everything opposite of peace is destructive to others as well as ourselves. For example, stress causes harmful toxins to be released into your body that negatively affects your health. I remember getting upset and because I wasn't focused on my surroundings, I accidentally hit my foot against a piece of hard metal. I don't believe God placed that metal there to teach me a lesson but I do believe that He used the pain to get my attention.

What about you? How do you devoid yourself of anger?

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How to Handle a Spouse Who Is Very Controlling

You most probably woke up suddenly to the harsh reality that your spouse is very controlling. In the dating phase and even in the early years of your marriage you were probably not keenly aware of how controlling your spouse really is as you thought that they were simply very self assured and confident. This is the reality of the saying 'love is blind' as your view of their bad traits or faults is minimized or distorted to be a good thing by the tinted glasses of new love that you wore. And like one waking up to a bad dream you have come to the scary realization that your spouse is very cont trolling but you really love them and do not want to leave them but how do you stay with them without losing yourself or resenting them?

Is he really controlling or are you super sensitive? Take time alone and analyze whether your partner is really very controlling or if your perspective of him is jaded? Who are you comparing him to when you say that he is controlling? Define what you mean when you say that your partner is controlling. Is it that he has strong opinions or that he wants you ALWAYS to do what he wants? A controlling partner is one who treats you like a child that must be herded and guided in the right direction. This will be a partner who dismisses your opinion and believes that the only way to do things is his way and so he constantly tears down your opinions in a bid to get you to do ONLY what he wants. Is this is your situation? If it is then he really is controlling and you must now buckle down so that you can survive him.

Take a step back and look at your situation critically. You are very close to the situation and you need to take a step back and analyze what is really going on between you and your partner. To handle a spouse who is very controlling you need to understand your spouse's motives or fears. How does his controlling behavior manifest? In which situations does it occur and how does it progress? Has he always been controlling or is it a recent phenomenon? Most controlling behavior is driven by fear and you need to step back so that you can understand the fear that drives your partner. If you can get an understanding of what is really going on then you will be better equipped to handle the situation. If you understand what his fears are then you will be able to find ways to minimize those fears so that they don't always come to the forefront and make him retreat into controlling behavior.

Can you stand up for yourself consistently? Can you hold your own with him in the issues that are important to you? He may be controlling but you do not have to agree to be controlled. One way to handle a controlling spouse is by being strong in your convictions and refusing to budge on the issues that are critical to you. Just because he is controlling does not mean that you have to give in to him but you need to deal with him with wisdom so that you do not aggravate the situation needlessly.

Choose your battles. To handle a controlling spouse you must choose your battles. Decide which issues are critical to you and which issues you don't care too much about. Peacefully and happily let him control those things that are really not critical to you as it's really not worth your emotional strength and happiness to fight the non-issues. And if he knows that he controls some things then he may more readily not fight you on your big issues.

Handling a spouse who is very controlling requires wisdom and strength of character so that you do not lose yourself in your partner or become bitter.

But if you think that your marriage maybe bad then gauge it against these signs of bad marriage to decide but if your spouse is so controlling that you just want out of the marriage then get your breakup blue print to help you overcome your fears and navigate the breakup with as little pain as possible.

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