All relationships have rules. They may not be codified in writing but they are there, they are valid, and they are enforced. Relationships and people in general don't function well without rules. Too many rules are not good either, when too many, they persuade as that we are controlled. People don't like to be controlled. A healthy dose of rules help steer the relationship and our interaction. The problem with rules is that they often times do not provide any reasons. When we think that rules have no reasons behind them we tend to ignore them. Ignoring rules lands us in trouble. The second problem with rules is that they typically just address a specific issue. Their focus is very narrow. To overcome this problem we make more and more rules in an attempt to address every issue. That is why rules propagate faster than rabbits (and why we feel controlled). It is simply not possible to make or to remember a rule for every possible issue. A third problem with rules is that they are mostly stated in the negative; don't do this, don't do that...
There is an even better way to accomplish the same thing; principles. Principles on the other hand overcome the problems facing rules. Principles are broad. Just one principle can cover a multitude of issues. Principles are often reasons within themselves. They tend to be more positive. The best thing about principles is that they are much stronger motivators than rules. People think that rules are meant to be broken, but they are willing to die for their principles. Principles are simple and easy to remember. Let's look at an example:
The simple and single principle: I am honest covers hundreds of rules like: do not steal, do not cheat, do not lie, and the list goes on. A few well chosen principles are all we need to govern our relationships with. Have you considered living by and governing your relationships with some of the following principles?
· I am honest;
· I am respectful (towards people, animals, and property);
· I am excellent (I do my best in everything I do);
· I have integrity;
· I am loving;
· I am hard working;
· I believe in sharing, and I am a team player.
How about talking it over with your spouse and coming up with your own list of principles to live by and to govern your relationship with? Read them aloud every day and vow to genuinely live by them. Who wants thousands of rules when all we need are a few positive principles?
Pierre F. Steenberg, Ph.D., D.Min. is a relationship expert, a counselor, and a marriage seminar presenter. http://www.designinghearts.com/
To receive your free PDF on using Genograms to analyze your relationship please visit: http://www.designinghearts.com/
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