Getting Past Pettiness

In an institution demanding maturity for its success, marriage and romantic partnership is not just an institution but a process for revealing our immaturities and inadequacies. And we're all revealed; marriage, just like parenting, undoes even the most together of people.

And if there's one area where the undoing takes place it's in the pettiness we either insist upon or put up with.

PETTINESS BEGETS PETTINESS

Much like any common relational sin, when one begins being petty, drawing in unimportant issues or those irrelevant to the discussion, dissuading the focus of the gathering conflict, it's a hidden invitation for the other are join in. It's like, 'If you're allowed to bring in such superfluous things, so am I!' And so begins the one-upmanship.

What happens here, of course, is that one slinks back into the child state and unconsciously invites the other to join them, fighting as if they were eight-year-olds scrapping on the floor. It resembles a tennis match, as each has their turn at sending a winner past their opponent (their partner).

Yet, this is one game where there are no winners. Even if one wins the stoush, the relationship loses.

The only way such conflict stops is when one partner refuses to partake in issues of irrelevant or unimportant pettiness. They refuse to become intimidated. And in that, they're the ones that redeem the adult power; though it seems they're giving in, so long as they refuse to become upset, they've won, because the relationship has been relieved of falling into the ridiculous.

INSISTING UPON OR PUTTING UP WITH

The aggressor and the submitter do themselves and their marriages few favours by behaving the way they do. When people insist on their pettiness they constrict any room the relationship would have of harmony, because of their selfishness. When people put up with others' pettiness they, too, do their relationships no favours; they're allowing the setting of, or maintaining of, dangerous precedents.

The midway between the aggressor and the submitter is the asserter. They quietly refuse to partake in the irrelevant, sticking on-point themselves, whilst calling the other to gentle account - to justify actual things said; to ensure the taking of adult responsibility. And that's all that's required; patiently staying on track and being respectful, and climbing above the temptation to lose patience.

It only takes one patient, resilient asserter in a marriage, one that wisely steers conflict from the rocks into safe waters, by staying calmly and respectfully on point, and noting before things get out of control to weigh anchor, to deal with an irrational partner. (And we all present as irrational from time to time.)

***

Pettiness takes the best of marriages and relationships and reduces them to a schoolyard level in a flash. Staying on point, and keeping to what's relevant, is a discipline of the patient asserter, one who resists the temptation to fight dirty and maintains respect.

© 2012 S. J. Wickham.

Steve Wickham is a Registered Safety Practitioner (BSc, FSIA, RSP[Australia]) and a qualified, unordained Christian minister (GradDipBib&Min). His blogs are at: http://epitemnein-epitomic.blogspot.com/ and http://inspiringbetterlife.blogspot.com/

Original article

Read This If You Need to Get Through to Your Wife When She's Leaving

If you are like most men, then when your wife told you that she wanted to leave, it left you with one feeling above all:

Fear.

And yeah, sure, maybe a little bit of anger to... But I'm willing to bet that if you really stop for a second - take a deep breath - to examine yourself (at your own risk!) that you would find that the root of all that anger you're feeling right now is actually...Fear.

Maybe it's fear of the unknown.

Maybe you're afraid of facing yourself.

Maybe you're scared of loss or rejection, or maybe even being alone for the rest of your life.

The fact is that it doesn't really matter what you're afraid of right now, as long as you recognize that fear is at least playing a small part in the way that you're thinking right now.

But guess what?

Fear Isn't Going to Stop You From Getting Your Wife Back It's not going to keep you from knowing how to talk to your wife to get her back, and it's not going to keep you from a happy marriage, much less a happy life.

So, take a deep breath, try to be objective about the situation you're in right now so that you can learn what to do and not let your emotions/fear incorrectly guide you. As you continue reading this article I'm going to talk to you about what to say to your wife when she says that she's leaving.

3 Tips for Talking to Your Wife When She Wants Separation

#1. You Have 2 Ears and Only 1 Mouth Many people hear me say this and mistakenly think that the only thing I'm trying to say is that listening is twice as important as speaking. While I do believe it is true, it also has a slightly deeper meaning.

The alternative meaning to this statement is that in every conversation there are two things you need to hear, and only one thing you need to say. You need to hear what your wife is saying and you need to hear it well enough that you understand it fully. Then, you need to respond politely and accordingly (this is the speaking). But then it goes further, because we all are guilty of miscommunication sometimes. So, it's also important that you hear what YOU are saying so that your communication is effective and you can really talk to your wife.

So yes, listening is twice as important as speaking, and you use your ears and understanding twice as much as you use your voice and your communication. Does that make sense?

#2. Stay Strong in Front of Your Wife This is something that very few men get right, because it is actually surprisingly difficult to do. This isn't saying that you can't have emotion in front of your wife, or that you can't express yourself emotionally in front of your wife, or even that you can't cry in front of your wife.

What it is saying is this:

You should never, ever, EVER beg your wife to stay with you.

While you shouldn't be emotionally cold, you should maintain your dignity. This is very important, and it is part of being a man/husband/leader.

#3. Always Keep Your Focus on the Real Goal Many men come to me and ask, "How do I get my wife back," or "How do I save my marriage," or even "How do I get my woman to love me again?"

These are all the wrong questions, because they're focusing on the wrong goals. Your goal right now is very, very simple:

You need your spouse to WANT to be with you again.

Think about that statement for a second... Really let it sink in. I'll say it one more time:

You NEED your wife to WANT you AGAIN.

There are three very important words in this statement...Need, want, again.

You NEED this because there is no other way to truly save your marriage, and conversely when your marriage is truly back on track your wife will want you.

You need your wife to WANT you because if your wife doesn't want you then she will not stay with you, plain and simple. No amount of marriage counseling, marriage help books, or 'figuring stuff out' is going to have any impact on whether she stays or goes.

Your wife will want you AGAIN because there has been a time in the past when your wife wanted you in this way, and you need to find out how to reawaken it.

Do you see?

This IS the way to rekindle passion in your marriage, and this is how you can end your wife's desire for separation:

Make Her Desire Something Else More...You!

Now, I know that you have a few questions left on exactly how to get your wife to WANT you. Don't worry, this is normal! Unfortunately, this article wasn't written as an encyclopedia on how to get your wife back, it's just 1 single article. So here's what I want to do for you...

Find Out Why She's Leaving - 9 Essential Traits of Good Husbands

Alternatively, if you would like more information on communication with your wife while your marriage is on the rocks, then I think I know what will help you. Check out this article I wrote about how to convince your wife not to leave.

Either way you decide to go from here, I would like to sincerely thank you for reading this article and I hope that everything works out.

With Much Manly Love,
- Jacob Elichmann

Original article

Qualities in Relationships

A behavior I've observed on the part of a number of men is going for women who have one set of qualities but expecting in a relationship an opposite set of qualities. Specifically, they are attracted to artistic free-spirited women, but want in a relationship a traditional wife. The result is that they chase down the women they find attractive and then spend the relationship beating them down in an attempt to force them to be what they want in a long-term relationship. And this can only be a recipe for disaster.

If the woman accepts the traditional wife role, then she loses what made her attractive to the man in the first place, and his feelings for her go away. Whereas if the woman, despite the abuse, remains in any way what she had been when the man had wooed her, then that is incompatible with his relationship expectations and draws further attack from the man. In either case, the results are disastrous, and this can only be a recipe for ongoing misery both for the woman and for the man.

The only way to solve this problem is to have enough understanding to realize what qualities lead to what outcomes. If one gets together with an artistic free-spirited woman, then one should expect the woman to act according to these qualities. To expect her to metaphorm into a traditional wife simply because she is with oneself is entirely unrealistic. If one wants someone who'd scrub his floors and cook his dinner, then he should go for women who are into that kind of thing and save both the next person and himself.

Now I have heard many men complain that Western women do not make good wife material. My response to that is that the Western man is not limited in his marital choices to Western women. There are 3 billion women in the world, and many of them have little to look forward to in their home countries except poverty and brutality. Many of them for that reason dream of marrying a Western man. If you are a Western man who has had it with feminism-influenced Western women: Get together with a woman from elsewhere in the world. Give someone a chance at a better life, and give yourself a chance at a better life with someone who would be grateful and treat you accordingly.

In either scenario, the solution comes from intelligence. It comes from understanding what qualities one finds attractive, what qualities one wants in a long-term relationship, and whether or not these qualities are compatible. Going for what one finds attractive while expecting the opposite in a relationship can only lead to misery on the part of everyone involved. Figure out what you want in a marriage and go for that. It's not as if Western men are at any kind of a disadvantage in having a choice of women from around the world.

Original article

My Husband Claims He's Leaving Because Our Marriage Isn't Good For Me - Why Would He Do This?

I sometimes hear from wives whose husbands are distancing themselves or pulling away from the wife because of reasons that are hard to dispute. An example is a husband claiming that he is motivated by what is best for his wife. And often, he will claim that he, and the marriage, are not in the best interest of the wife. So, he'll say that he wants to leave her or end the marriage because this is what is best for her.

I heard from a woman who said: "my husband told me last week that he is considering leaving me. He said that I have given up too much to be with him. My husband has three kids from a previous marriage and they all moved in with me once we got together. My husband lost his job and now my house is up for foreclosure. One of the kids requires expensive speech therapy, which my insurance pays for. My husband's ex wife is always calling me and being nasty. So there's a lot of stress as a result of all of these things, but I knew that when I agreed to marry my husband. Before we met, I used to go hiking with friends on weekends. I ran marathons. I don't do these things much any more because I would rather spend the time with my new family. The other day, I made the mistake of mentioning that sometimes I missed being outside or running and that, if we ended up moving, I hoped the new place had trails for jogging. That's when my husband told me that he was considering leaving because he doesn't think that our marriage has been good for me. He says that I have given up too much for him and his kids and that it's just not right. He says I'm angry and stressed all of the time and that's not the kind of person I was when we met. I don't want to be the same person. I don't mind that my new family has changed me. My friends say that this is just an excuse. But why else would he be leaving me?"

Unfortunately, I didn't have definitive answers for this wife. There was no way for me to know if this husband was telling her the truth about the reasons that he wanted to leave. And, there were several possibilities here, which I'll discuss below.

Maybe He Just Wants Reassurances That You're Happy In Your Marriage: The first possibility was that the husband may have wanted for the wife to reassure him that in fact she was happy in the marriage, despite the stress in their lives. The husband likely felt guilty that his family's presence was causing her a lot of new stressors and problems. So, it was possible that he was just trying to get an honest reaction out of her and he was hoping that she would ask him not to leave and reassure him that she actually was happy in the marriage.

Some Husbands Will Use This Excuse To Spare The Wife's Feelings: Unfortunately, some men will use this whole "the marriage is not good for you" excuse to make their leaving seem commendable or selfless when it is anything but. Sometimes, it is the husband who is not happy but he doesn't want to hurt the wife by telling her that truth. So instead, he will try to make it look as if he really is looking out for her best invested when instead, he is looking out for his. Again, the way to determine if this was the case would be for the wife to say that she was happy in the marriage, but maybe she could request more free time to run so that she could help to manage her stress. A husband who wants to continue on with the marriage would be happy to comply with that, while a husband who really just wanted out and was making excuses would likely continue on with the whole "I'm not good enough for you" talk no matter what the wife said.

He May Truly Think He's Sacrificing His Own Happiness For Yours: Some men truly do love their wives enough to let her go if they think that being with him is causing her pain or holding her back. If this is the case, the key is showing him that you are much happier with him than you would be without him, no matter what he may think to the contrary.

A suggested script would be something like: "I am the person most qualified to determine if this marriage is good enough for me. And I know that it is. Admittedly, there is some stress in our lives, but I would much rather have that stress with you than to have a stress free life without you. We're a team. I will stand by you because I know that you would do the same for me. That's what people do when they love each other and are partners. It actually hurts me and causes more stress to hear you say these things. I'm touched that you care enough to put my well being before your own, but believe me, if I thought that the marriage wasn't good for me, I would tell you. And I don't feel that way at all. I'm perfectly content and I am the one who gets to decide what is good for me. And I decide that my marriage and my family is the best thing for me."

If this type of conversation doesn't begin to help, then you have to ask yourself if there are larger issues at play. If so, this doesn't necessarily mean that your marriage is over. But it can mean that you need to address issues that go beyond whether the marriage is good for you or not. But this script should help you to decipher what your husband is really saying so that you can know what to address first.

My husband tried to tell me that he was leaving because the marriage wasn't good for either of us.  But, at the end of the day, he just wasn't happy and there were many other issues.  Just reassuring my husband that I was happy didn't work because there were other issues that needed to be resolved.  It wasn't until I got serious about changing the dynamics of our marriage that I was able to save it.  If it helps, you can read about the entire process on my blog at  http://isavedmymarriage.com/

Original article

How Much Time Does It Take to Know a Man for Marriage?

As a women who is thinking of getting married you may be wondering if you have known your man long enough. Some women consider a certain number of months or years with a man as a way to judge his character and what he is really like. Other women tend to look at the life experiences they have shared with their man as a way to judge if they want to marry him. There are other factors a women must consider as well if she wants to increase the odds that she will find a man that will treat her with the respect and show her the love she deserves.

To a point the longer you are with a man before you marry him the better your chances of having a happy and healthy marriage. There are exceptions to this rule as there is to everything in life. There are women who have had a ten day whirlwind romance with a man and are still happily married forty years later. Other women have dated a man for three years and thought they knew him only to marry and go through a bitter divorce six months later. Still the longer you are with a man the more you will discover what he is really like and decide if this is the man you want to spend the rest of your life with. If you think you have found this man and know he loves you but he is hesitant to make a total commitment to you do not despair or lose hope. There is a link at the end of this article to a free video that explains why a man may want to commit to you but can't and why he is probably just as confused as you as to the reasons for this. Learn how you can solve this problem.

Another way a woman can tell if she wants to marry a man is the life experiences, both good and bad that they share together. It's easy to get along when everything is going well but how does he react when things are falling apart? If you are having a rough time emotionally does he find little ways to make you feel better? When you are not feeling well is he understanding and willing to go out of his way to make you feel better? Couples will face stressful events during their marriage. Some of these events may include financial set backs, physical illness, problems with children and just the everyday challenges of living life. Make sure the man you want to spend the rest of you life with is up to the challenge of helping you create a life together. A life that is filled with love, happiness and respect for each other and those around you.

If you interested in learning what other ordinary women have to say on the subject of love, romance and marriage visit us at Captivate A Man Blog. A place where we ask questions, give advice and learn from and share with each other the many challenges facing women today.

What is holding back the man who loves you from committing his life to you? If you are confused about the mixed signals he is sending you and don't know how to respond watch this free video which explains the emotions that keep your man from totally committing to you even when he wants to.

Original article

5 Strategies For Creating Extraordinary Relationships

Do you know how to create an extraordinary, passionate, and loving relationship?

It's no secret that intimate relationships are the cause of more pain and more pleasure than any other area in our lives. Romance, love and passion are all powerful forces. They pull us in. Yet, they can turn our world upside down, leaving us in pain just as easily as they can lift us up to amazing heights of happiness, joy and fulfillment.

We can feel an amazing deep connection one day and then wonder what happened as we struggle to make sense of our partner. What happened to the spark that initially caused that intense attraction...where did it go?

How do you bridge the gap back to what was once an amazing connection, from the cold reality of today's existence? Is it even possible to return to love?

Maybe it's our partner's fault because they changed, and we don't feel attracted to them anymore. Sometimes we can have no idea where they are even coming from. What if you barely get along? Even conversations can be stressful. What do we do about this constant struggle to relate over even the most basic issues? And how do we know when to give up and move on?

Our friends and family have all kinds of ideas about what we should do, but none of it works. After all, most of them are not exactly role models for fulfilling relationships.

There are plenty of couples who have extraordinary intimate relationships even after 40-50 years together. Relationships do not normally lose love, connection and passion over the years. What is the standard that you have for your relationship? Are you modeling an extraordinary relationship today, or have you settled for something that is lukewarm at best.

Re-ignite the spark in your relationship with these 5 Strategies:

1). Stop arguing with your partner. Do not try so solve any disagreements. Leave those alone for now. Do not try to fix anything that you think is wrong with your partner. This may seem strange to you, but it will free some of the essential energy needed to restore your relationship. Trying to prove you are right is not the answer that you need.

2). Be who you were in the beginning of the relationship. You probably were playful and fun to be around back then. Maybe you were even downright silly because love can do interesting things to you... can't it? You are not doing what you were in the beginning, or it would be like it was in the beginning. If you truly loved someone what would you do for them?

3). Have heartfelt understanding for your partner. Put yourself in their shoes and FEEL how they feel. This is not head -felt understanding. This is about the heart. What do you notice when you are in their shoes? There are always two sides to every story. Do you know your partners side of the story? Maybe there is something that you need to do as a result of this new understanding.

4). Put your partner first; their hopes, their dreams, their desires. Focus on giving your partner what they need. Do you know what they need? Can you give it to them in the way that they want to receive it? You can't just intellectualize this. You have to actually give to them. This is not about waiting for your partner to give to your first. You be the one to give first. When there is really love and passion, and not just people who tolerate each other, or stay together for the kids, you will always find that they put their partner first.

5). Get back to your core masculine or feminine energy. Like two magnets, it takes polarity, or opposite energy to cause attraction. However, turn one of the magnets around and they repel each other. This happens in relationships when couples get depolarized. People get discouraged because they don't know how to meet each others needs so a shift in energy occurs. In 95% of all couples both men and women are well intentioned towards their partner but feel constantly misunderstood and frustrated by their needs and communication style.

For example: Men don't feel like they can succeed so they get tentative, and women protect themselves by being strong. A man might give up because he can't figure out how to make the woman happy taking on a more feminine energy, and the woman becomes frustrated with the man's ability to understand her so she takes on more masculine energy.

At first, this might be a very subtle shift. But over time, this lack of polarity is like cold water poured on the spark of attraction, and... it's gone. In my opinion, this is the biggest single issue that causes challenges in relationships, and the #1 cause of divorce.

Intimate relationships can be relatively easy when you know what to do. Passion can be like a switch that you turn on when you have the right energy in a relationship. It is independent of age or time spent together.

Imagine what a difference a loving, fulfilling, intimate relationship will make in your life. Imagine what it might be like to know that every day your relationship is growing in love. These 5 strategies used effectively can shift even the most difficult, challenging situations. Now decide what you want your relationship to ultimately look like, and what you will do next in order to have it?

Original article

Easy Tips to Add Romance to Your Married Life

After years of being together, a couple unknowingly begins to take each other for granted. Life becomes busy and romance takes a back seat. This becomes detrimental for the relationship; the sooner one realizes this, the better.

After getting used to each other, couples tend to pay lesser attention to spicing up their relationship with each other. The much needed regular dose of romance becomes non-existent and the marriage suffers. Women are usually the first ones to complain about lack of romance in the relationship.

Maintaining a close, intimate bond with your partner is very important. To bring back the joy and excitement into a married life, one has to be committed towards it. It needs a lot of effort to keep a romantic relationship going. Many couples turn to counseling and tips from other married couples for this.

Some useful tips and tricks

Bringing back the romance can be an easy task. Just be creative and put in dedicated effort. Think and decide on something you can do to make your partner happy. Here are some simple ways in which you can bring back the zing and romance into your married life.

• Physical attraction has the strongest effect. So work on your body. Reduce that extra flab, get rid of body odour and make sure you smell good. Men should wear a clean shaved look with good clothes.

Women can try new hairstyle for a change. Take care of your nails, wear make-up and look attractive in front of your man. Both partners need to groom themselves well and look their best.

• Pay attention to each other's likes and dislikes. Do things that will make the other happy. Cooking his favorite meal or coming home on time from work are some examples. The moment we stop caring about each other's likes and dislikes, the marriage is sure to get ruined.

• Make surprise plans. This works like magic in most relationships. A weekend getaway or a short holiday trip is a great way to surprise the other. This way one gets to spend some private and quality time together. Again, keep each other's likes and dislikes in mind while choosing the holiday destination.

• Complement often. Appreciate each other's efforts whenever possible. Make the other feel valued and loved. If your partner does something to surprise you, appreciate it. Complementing in public can make a whole lot of difference too.

• Having quality sex is very important to bring your marriage back on tracks. Wear seductive clothes, indulge in sex games and toys and see how the magic works.

Bringing back and maintaining romance in a marriage needs consistent and dedicated effort. Having a romantic and happy married life is the precursor of all other happiness that one can enjoy in life. So, have a romantically happy marriage!

Original article

Can a Marriage Damaged By Infidelity Be Saved?

Why did you cheat on your spouse? If either you or your spouse are asking this question, then the unthinkable has happened in your marriage. One partner has betrayed the other, and there is no longer any trust between you. If it was just a casual fling or a one-night-stand, was it really worth sacrificing your marriage for? What did your new partner have that your spouse didn't? Chances are that if you are the guilty party, you're asking yourself the same questions while watching the core of your life, your marriage, fall apart. If you were the wronged spouse, you will still be asking questions like this as well as wondering if it will ever be possible to repair the damage that has been done to your union.

There's no pat answer to this question, because the dynamics of each couple is unique to only them. Some are able to weather the storm and get on with their lives, while others either don't have the desire or energy it takes to try and fix what is broken. Is the cheating spouse truly sorry for his or her indiscretion, or will they make up only to break your heart again? If this is you, you may need to back off for awhile in order to give your spouse space to think things over. Even if your first impulse is to throw yourself at your spouse's feet and beg forgiveness, make yourself stop and give him or her a bit of time to heal. Initially, both of your emotions are too raw to think and act rationally.

If it was your mate who cheated on you, you need the space to consider:

* Has this happened before?
* Is your marriage worth fighting for?
* What will your spouse need to do to help you get past this incident?
* Why did this happen in the first place?
* Have you also been noticing that your marriage isn't what it once was?

Be truthful, because you have to know your own feelings before you'll be able to communicate them to your spouse. You have to be calm enough to talk things through before making any kind of final decision. You didn't deserve what happened to you, but there's no way to change it now. All you can do is go forward, either towards reconciliation or towards divorce. When the time to talk arrives, you may want to consider going to a marriage counselor together in order to keep the discussion on an equitable basis. In many instances you can rebuild a broken marriage as long as both parties make a true commitment to doing so.

Find out how to know when your marriage is over at: Free marriage advice or here: Save My Marriage.

Original article

What Does It Mean When My Husband Left Me But Can't Say That He Doesn't Love Me?

I sometimes hear from women who are so confused because on the one hand, their husband is saying that he wants to leave or get a separation or divorce. But, on the other hand, he's still eluding to the fact that he still loves his wife. The wives aren't sure how to interpret these two opposing things. And quite often, the fact that the husband can't or won't say that he doesn't love them is a particularly confusing, and bitter, pill.

I heard from a wife who said: "last week, my husband sat me down and told me that he felt that our marriage wasn't good for either of us. He said that he felt that our relationship had become toxic so therefore he felt that it was in his best interest to leave me. I panicked and asked when he was coming back. He said that he didn't think that he was coming back. I told him that he was saying crazy things because I knew that he loved me. He didn't reply. So I told him that he could never say he didn't love me. And he agreed that he couldn't make that claim. So then why is he doing this? If he's not at the point that he no longer loves me, then what is the point of leaving me and potentially ending the relationship? What should I do now?" Obviously, there were a lot of questions and concerns and I'll try to take them one by one.

Men Often Leave Women They Love For Various Reasons: It's a common misconception that people who separate or get a divorce are doing so in part because one or both of them are no longer in love with the other. This is most definitely not always the case. Sometimes, both people love each other very much. But there are issues or problems that, at least at the time, seem bigger than that love. Or sometimes, the love doesn't seem to be enough to carry them through.

What He Says And Does Now Doesn't Necessarily Predict The Future: I know from my own experience that it is human nature to panic. After all, your worst fear seems to be a real possibility. I know from experience that it's very difficult to get control over these feelings when they come. But it's also my opinion and experience that panicking will often increase the odds that your fears will come true. Because that fear and panic is likely to drive you to act in ways that are unattractive. And, this destructive process will discourage your husband to change his mind while encouraging him to decide that he was right to begin to break away all along.

The truth is, you don't know what tomorrow will bring. Plenty of people decide that they want to leave or pursue a separation or even a divorce and they end up changing their mind later. They leave and find that they desperately miss their spouse. Or, with the luxury of time, they gain a new perspective which shows them that their problems weren't as insurmountable as they thought. Or, they realize that perhaps they are willing to compromise more than they though. Or maybe they see that the single life doesn't agree with them after all.

Know That If He Still Loves You, Then You Have A Definite Advantage: I know that the knowledge that he likely still loves you is making you very confused and frustrated right now. But try very hard to see it as the advantage in your situation. There are some wives right now who are coming to the end of their marriage because their husband is no longer in love with them and has no problem whatsoever telling them this very directly. But this wasn't the case here. It wasn't a mystery that the husband still loved his wife. This was an advantage that the wife should not only understand, but take full advantage of.

I know that it's easy to get discouraged in this situation and to focus on the fact that he's left. But that remaining love matters and that love is what gives you the chance to work this out. Always try to remember and concentrate on that. Because that is what might make all of the difference.

I felt very strongly that my husband still loved me even after he left and began a separation.  Family and friends told me that I was crazy to maintain hope for my marriage when all seemed lost.  But I'm the one having the last laugh now because not only is my marriage in tact, it's stronger than ever.  If it helps, you can read about how I saved my marriage on my blog at  http://isavedmymarriage.com/

Original article

Understand the Basics of Surviving an Affair to Protect Your Marriage

The perfect marriage which is without any troubles simply doesn't exist. Many state that the difficulties actually try to make the partnership tougher, so couples should not feel bad about this. After realizing that your partner has cheated on you, how are you intending to take care of being logical and considering the benefit of the family as well as the kids connected with the marriage? It's just so straightforward to encourage the hate that you feel for your wife or husband who has done cheating to consume you.

Instead, you need to let forgiveness go up to the surface. It won't be easy, but you need to consider. Hanging out on your own is the starting point in attempting to forgive your husband or wife. You should use this to contemplate the steps that you want to consider as well as to clear your mind. The fate of the marriage depends on the steps that you will do, so be particularly mindful.

Getting even isn't a sensible preference. Even though your spouse has been disloyal to your marriage, it doesn't suggest that you can also do the same. Introducing additional problems won't do your already problematic relationship anything good. Besides, you should also think about what you are instructing your sons or daughters using your actions.

It is definitely not acceptable to be unfaithful. Likewise, it's also not acceptable to hold it against anyone if they have done this sort of mistake. What you need to do is to go to a marriage counselor and inquire for an advice. Making sense of what has happened to the matrimony on your own is not an easy action to take. The help of somebody that handles these types of issues is required. In order to think things through better, you certainly need a counselor's skilled opinion on these issues.

The real key to surviving an affair is accepting what was done. Don't hasten the task and think that you can not forgive your better half right now so you may not be able to forgive the problem ever--things like this require time. One good reason that you are encouraged to invest some time on your own is to be in a position to relive those happy times spent with your husband or wife. Missing the other person is essential in rebuilding the marriage.

Another way for one to deal with the relationship complications is by looking for support. Seeing a therapist and remaining home alone isn't enough. You will still need some people to communicate with. You can sign up for marriage forums so even when you don't like being talked about, you may still have a method of discharging your rage. It is possible to acquire some tips from the total strangers that you will be able to communicate with. There's also no reason to be conscious around them since they do not know who you are and things are performed on the internet.

You don't have to keep all your emotions; others claim that you should keep the feelings in check, but can it do you anything good? By picking a non-destructive approach of dealing with the difficulties in your union, later on you will be able to have the love and consideration for your husband or wife yet again and the fury would be gone. By learning to begin to trust one another again, the resolution of the marriage troubles will come effortlessly.

Check it out to uncover additional about surviving an affair. There's additional knowledge about marriage counselor on this link.

Original article

Getting Married the Second Time Around

Every bride hopes that when she marries for the first time, it will last forever. Unfortunately, this is not always the case due to unforeseen circumstances or things just not working out as planned. But the big question after a failed marriage is... can you fall in love again? Absolutely! And for some, the second time around may be even better than the first.

When it's time to plan that second marriage, many couples decide on simplicity and elegance. They are more mature at this point and likely know exactly what they want. For many, the guest list is usually smaller, with only close family and friends. I have met with several brides marrying for the second time who have remarked that their first wedding was large and lavish - something they do not want a second time around, you know the saying "been there done that".

Couples will choose a small venue perhaps a little more quaint and quiet. Most will do a ceremony on site followed by dinner and dancing. Some couples are even choosing to do a late-night candle ceremony at around 8:00pm, followed by fruit and pastries or a Sunday morning brunch. They really want to keep it scaled down but yet very elegant.

If you feel uncomfortable with guests purchasing a gift because they attended your first wedding, then choose to note "no gifts please" on your invitations. It is a thoughtful gesture on your part, but you will find most people will not walk in empty-handed anyways. Another fantastic idea would be to list your favourite charity for guests to make a donation to, in lieu of a gift. If this is not an issue for your particular wedding then of course you will be accepting gifts. You will find that many of these couples do not set up a wedding registry because they both have so many items already in their homes. This is where a honeymoon registry though would come in handy.

In terms of a wedding dress, some brides may again choose to purchase a traditional wedding dress while others will decide on an evening or cocktail gown. Just be aware that you can toss that "don't wear white the second time around" rule right out the window. Hubby may choose to rent a tuxedo or just wear a dark suit. Instead of a large bridal party you will likely see only one or two attendants maximum. The floral bouquets can be made more simple and cost-efficient, for example by carrying a classy long stem rose instead of an entire elaborate bouquet.

If there are younger children involved from a previous marriage, do your best to include them in the planning stages. Depending on their ages, they may take on the role of flower girl, ring bearer, or can perhaps do a reading at the ceremony. This will certainly help them to adjust with the new change in their lives and make them feel part of the family.

A wedding the second time around should be considered as a new beginning so don't try to plan the wedding exactly like your first. Don't wear the same dress, choose a different location, and write your own new vows. Ensure both families are part of the celebration and create a joyous atmosphere as you enter a new life with your significant other.

Wedding and event planner for over 18 years of experience, sharing all my ideas and tips with brides to be

Original article

Marriage Records and the History of Illegal Marriages Through Immigrant Infiltrations

To a question whether it is possible to have illegal marriages outside the jurisdiction of marriage records, it was found that the only option for such marriages was severe jail terms that could complicate further in several other offenses. In the US, there has been a practice amongst immigrants to find a partner willing to marry them so that their entry and settlement in the country becomes legal. However, after 9/11 it has now become not only seemingly difficult but also virtually impossible to stay in the US under the legal umbrella of being a married couple with ulterior intentions of settling in an illegal immigrant. While penalties for the immigrant might be concurrent with the fact that there are multiple criminal illegalities involved, for the resident of the country who willingly agreed to become the spouse the law is tougher.

There is no way by which it would be possible to circumvent marriage records and yet remain legally married in the country. There have been instances where under the garb of some sect or the other persons have got married but were tracked down and punished as per the provisions of the law. Especially in recent times, with repeated terrorist threats and attacks, it has become an onerous task for the lawmakers to ensure that there is maximum transparency in every marriage that takes place within the US. Documented proof must exist in marriage records and with the local authorities to ensure that the law is being strictly followed.

Illegal marriages have been in existence in the US for decades. Immigrants from neighboring countries like Mexico and Panama and from down the continent like Venezuela and Chile have attempted to enter the country through difficult border roundabouts, with an idea to make it big in the US. The lure of well-paid decent jobs and the willingness to go to a foreign country illegally because of this have not gone unnoticed by the US authorities. Deportations and jail terms are common but that has not deterred these people from seeking shelter in the US. Marriage records and written documentations do not deter these people from working and living in the US especially if they find willing spouses in the US too.

All these activities have raised the need for stringent checks at airports, ports, and other entry points in the US. However, if it has been possible to enter the marriage records, there are no further questions raised on the status of the individuals concerned.

If you want to learn more about marriage records, please visit the marriage records website for you.

Original article

Christian Marriage Help: Boundaries With Sex for Christian Wives

Are you looking for Christian marriage help regarding boundaries with sex in your relationship with your husband? If you believe you can't say no, are uncomfortable with your husband's sexual requests, find yourself disliking or avoiding sex, or are upset with your husband looking at pornography, then this article will give you the answers you are looking for. Here are four boundaries you can have with sex.

You can say no to your husband's sexual requests. While the Bible does say husbands and wives should not deprive each other of their bodies, except for prayer, women still can say no when sex is uncomfortable, demeaning, too frequent, or for other reasons. Women are not the sex slaves of their husbands. They can exercise their right to be loved by saying no when they really do not want sex and exercise their willingness to love by making a commitment to be their husbands' sexual partner. Both husband and wife need to be considerate of the other's needs but not discount their own.

You can enjoy a healthy sexual relationship with your husband. Some Christians look at sex as the duty of the wife without the expectation that she also enjoys sex. This belief is often stated by women who are struggling with their own sexuality or husband's mistreatment. Women can enjoy sex as much as men and should insist on a sexually fulfilling relationship by being honest with their husbands about what they want and need. Disliking sex with your husband can also be related to unresolved problems in the marriage that make sex uncomfortable. In this case, the pain is a sign that the issues need to be dealt with. Be honest with your husband about how you feel during sex and why. This has the potential of drawing needed attention to the problems while also increasing intimacy through open communication.

If your husband seeks sex outside the marriage, it is not your fault. Regardless of the frequency of sex in your relationship or the problems that exist, it is never right for a spouse to go outside the marriage. Some misguided people may suggest that it is your fault, but it is not. A woman does not have to carry the guilt of her husband's indiscretions nor does she have to fear that if she does not say yes to every request for sex that her husband has the right to look elsewhere for his needs. You can have a firm boundary and not accept the blame for your husband's choices.

You do not have to accept your husband looking at pornography. Most women are extremely bothered by pornography use and even feel betrayed. Many men do look at pornography, but not all men do. Sexual addiction is on the increase due to the availability of porn on the Internet. Sexual addiction is destructive to the man and the marriage. When a husband continues doing something that causes pain to his wife, he is not being loving and respectful. You can stand firm in your boundaries in asking your husband not to look at pornography.

This Christian marriage help will enable you to have healthy boundaries in your marriage regarding sex.

If you need more practical tips and Biblical truths to help you change your relationships, get my FREE "15-Day Relationship Challenge" designed to give you back the power over your life.

Just click here: http://www.free15daychallenge.com/

Karla Downing is an author, speaker, licensed marriage and family therapist, and Bible study teacher. Karla's passion is to help people find freedom in Christ in the midst of their difficult relationships and circumstances through Biblical truths and practical tools.

Original article

Thinking Compromise Instead of Divorce

There are reasons why the married population remains substantially higher in numbers than the singles do. In addition, many of the singles would welcome a chance to marry. After all, marriage is tied to emotional and sexual fulfillment, elevated social status, security, and companionship. No one enjoys being really alone, and marriage and family ensures that they shouldn't have to be. So if the institution of marriage is such a sought-after situation, why are so many people getting divorced? Instead of feeling blessed to have found a person to go through life with them, these discontented marrieds have the mindset that being single again with be the answer to all of their problems.

They're wrong, though. So are those you think that marriage is a dying institution and flaunt the standards of society to live together without benefit of legal sanction and to produce child after child in the environment of non-commitment. Marriage is sanctioned by God in the Holy Bible, and for generations it has been regarded as the basic unit of society. Divorces didn't used to be as easy to get, and people tried harder to make their unions work for the long-term. As recently as the 1950s there were few children who lived in anything but a biological 2-parent family. Now, however, single and step parents have become the norm. How can this be healthy for our impressionable children?

Any close relationship between two people, whether married or not, is bound to have its ups and downs. It's very seldom that two people mesh so perfectly that there are no fights, no arguments, and no disagreements. Both men and women in the United States are raised to be independent thinkers, and both need to learn the art of compromise to make a marriage work. Keeping lines of communication open is a key. When you understand your spouse, it's easier to see where he or she is coming from when your opinions differ.

The general theory used to be that it was necessary to stay together no matter what because of the children. In recent decades, experts have decided that this isn't any good, either. They often advocate separation or divorce rather than trying to get along. Once again, they're all wrong. No one should have to live in an environment where they are unhappy, but the key is not divorce. Instead, the key to happiness is making the effort to build a strong foundation and then continue to work hard at maintaining closeness and married love.

Find out how to know when your marriage is over at: Free marriage advice or here: Save My Marriage.

Original article

A Secret To Be Your Own Marriage Builder

You can save your marriage even though you are the only one who wants it to be saved. Marriage builders are people who just do not want their marriage to be saved but also wants to save other people's marriage.

Imagine yourself from your work going home to your spouse without any worries about misunderstanding or arguments that will occur between both of you, do you not feel good about that? Look at yourself and your spouse having a good evening in a sofa having coffee and laughing and talking about each other's day at work or at anything, does it not feel good? When you married your spouse, wasn't everything so perfect and wonderful? Both of you are marriage builders of your own.

On that very special day you had in your marriage, did you not imagine yourself and your spouse growing old together in a very warm home full of love? I bet you did that. But then problems came along. You had misunderstandings about some other things when you are together. All couples have problems. You should know that. All couples had misunderstanding on the times that they are together. But how is it that other couples still stay together after that misunderstanding while other couples choose to split apart. Well, that is your role as the marriage builder.

There is only one simple word to remember to keep your marriage intact even though you have a lot of problems that will come your way. That word should be "WE". Yes, the keyword for marriage is we. We means together, both of you, husband and wife. When you are married, you keep yourself together. Both of you should be one. Whatever you do, wherever you go, you should keep in mind also about your spouse and what will he or she will be thinking. You yourself should be your marriage builder.

For example, this is for men, when you are going out with friends on a disco house or a beer's house and you are married, you should think first about what your wife will also tell you when you go out with your friends. You should first ask permission if it is ok for her that you will go out with your friends. If it is not ok with her then never try to go out without her knowing. Remember that both you and your spouse is already one. If she resists that you should not go out and you really want to then try to convince her in a very nice way that she will not be hurt. If she said yes then you can go out with your friends without any worry in your mind. You will go out happy and you will enjoy because if she did not want you to go and you still went out with your friends, I assure you that you are not at peace even though you are going out to relax and you will not enjoy.

You can be a marriage builder yourself. Do your best to save your marriage especially if you really love your spouse. Never let that love pass through you. You will be happy living your life without any worries together.

Original article

How to Get Your Wife Back When Nothing Else Is Working

Did you know that divorce rates are the highest that they have ever been in America? Don't feel like you're alone - you're far from the only abandoned husband who wants to learn how to get your wife back.

The percentage of married couples that get divorced has been steadily increasing for the past 30 years...We're only just now starting to see a plateau, but do you know what the current percentage of divorced couples is?

Current estimates state that between over 50% of marriages will end in divorce... Think about that for a little bit, let that sink in. Even if you account for people who've had multiple failed marriages, clearly we as a society are doing something wrong when it comes to love; divorce rates should not be that high.

"So, How Do I Get My Wife Back?"

With more broken relationships than ever ending in divorce, there are also more marriage counselors and divorce attorneys... Some people are certainly doing very well for themselves off of this tragic trend in marriage.

Despite the rise of these professions, it seems that when it comes down to brass tacks very few people actually know Jack Diddley about saving a relationship, or rebuilding lost love. In fact, I would wager to say that most people are wasting time pursuing 'relationship building' strategies that are not only pointless, but actively counter productive.

It sounds almost too sad to be true, but it's really come to the point where a safe rule of thumb to stop a divorce is to do the exact opposite of what everyone else is doing.

Everyone Tells You That 'Communication' is the Key to Re-Igniting Your Marriage

As I believe I have already hinted at, this extremely common recommendation is actually based off of what would seem like solid reasoning.

This recommendation came about because of the assumption that a healthy relationship has good communication. This is a reasonable assumption, certainly, since most of the healthy and thriving marriages that I know of DO have very open communication between spouses.

However, what works well for a couple with a rocksolid foundation of love, trust and happiness doesn't work equally well for you to repair a shattered foundation of apathy, desperation and hopelessness.

You just can't go into conversations with the same expectations as you would normally...Communication works differently when your wife has hardened her heart, and most people don't realize that.

I mean think about it, it's sort of like saying you should talk to a stranger the same way you would talk to your best friend, or that you should talk to your boss the same way you talk to your peers at work...You don't share the same jokes, experiences, misgivings or private thoughts with your boss that you do your friends at work.

Why?

Because it's apples and oranges; they require a different type of communication.

Maybe that wasn't the best example in the world, but I hope you understand what I'm saying. What you should take away is that good communication isn't going to solve your marriage, not at this point.

You can't simply talk a woman into changing her mind about something so based in emotion. You have to win her heart, and communication is NOT the key to doing that.

It's Not About Showing You Care

If you have ever been to marriage counseling then I am willing to bet that you have heard this one or something similar a couple times before.

This is a favorite of your average marriage therapist because it's easy, sounds good, and sounds logical. If your wife feels loved, it's only natural that she'll love you back, right?

But as we've already learned, logic does not fix love, and this is one more example of a strategy that sounds good but won't actually work. Here are some more things that won't do anything without something else from her:

Bringing your wife giftsTelling your wife that you love herGoing on regular date nightsMaking "intimacy time" for each otherLeaving her cute little notesActs of service

Why won't any of these things work?

Why will they actively push your wife further away from you?

Because right now - to be frank - she views you as weak, smothering and boring, and until she FEELS differently about you she's not going to be receptive to any romantic gestures... Instead she will be pressured, pushed and manipulated.

She will be able to see right through what you're trying to do, and because she knows your end goal, her mind will throw up that defensive emotional wall that keeps her from taking you back.

It's Not About Lavishing Her is the Key to Saving Your Marriage

This one is probably more commonly heard from your buddies then from your counselor... Many men are really and truly convinced that if they shower their wives with love and affection AND gifts that she will change her mind and decide to stay with you.

But even if lavishing her somehow did make a difference, is that really how you want to fix your marriage...By essentially bribing your wife to stay with you? Do you really want to stay married to a woman who only loves you because you shower her with attention and give her everything she wants, and not because she actually loves you?

Sounds too much like the psychological mind games that many domineering women use to subdue their husbands if you ask me...In the end all you get is dishonesty.

Now I'm not telling you that you shouldn't do nice things for your lady, I'm just saying that now isn't the time or the place to make this your main goal. It will require a deeper change than that if you ever want to get your wife back after divorce or separation.

Throughout this article I'm sure you've heard all these tips at some point or another - Communicate, show her you care, lavish her with gifts and services - But I want you to realize that these will do nothing without something else.

Many other abandoned husbands have fallen for these same traps spread around by the marriage counseling industry...Luckily for you, you have me to tell you that these tips won't do you any good.

So how do you actually get your wife back? Well, as we already said, the key is to make your wife WANT to come back all on her own. It sounds like one of those things that's easier said than done, doesn't it?

But don't worry because I'm not about to leave you stranded; I have just the thing you need to show you the way forward... Check out this free mini-guide:

What Does Your Wife Think - Are You a Good Husband?

Of course, if you want an alternative then I would recommend you check out my blog for some other recommended reading... For example, if you want to learn more about getting your wife back then I cannot recommend a better place to start than at this article: Does Marriage Counseling Work?

Original article

Compromise in Relationships: Do You Have a Companionate Marriage?

Companionate Marriage?

No, I didn't mean to say "compassionate".

This is a term that means both partners share all tasks within the marriage equally. No one's career is more important, and nothing is the sole responsibility of either person.

Sounds nice, huh? This is the modern couple at it's best, you might say.

However, no matter how hard people try to maintain such a relationship, grievances still occur. After all, we are only human, right?

There is no right or wrong way to run your marriage. (Yes, I said "run" it. Because that's what we do.) But compromise in relationships can only happen if both partners know exactly what to expect from each other.

If you are a woman who wants a companionate marriage, then you have to ask yourself if it's in your contract. Not sure what I mean? Then read on.....

What Kind of Contract Do You Have With Your Partner?

"We don't have a contract," you say.

Well, I have to disagree with that. All marriages and/or relationships have an unwritten, often unspoken contract that you mutually agree to on a certain level.

Don't believe me?

Let me give you an example. In the book When Smart People Fail by Carole Hyatt and Linda Gottlieb, the authors explore the "contracts" people make when they are in love.

According to them each contract has two components: economic and emotional.

This is their sample of a traditional contract:

Man:" I will earn a good living for us [economic contract] and be strong at all times for you [emotional contract]."

Woman: "I will not work outside the home [economic contract], and I will be the mother to your children and supportive of your needs [emotional contract]."

That one doesn't work for you? How about this one?

Man: "I am an artist and cannot be looked to for money [economic contract]; I agree to be volatile and exciting [emotional contract]."

Woman: "I will earn the income in this family [economic contract], and I will be emotionally steady so that you can be volatile [emotional contract]."

There are as many types of relationship contracts as there are people, but some are based on an equal partnerships while others emphasis one partner as being dominant in either economic or emotional parts (or sometimes both).

However, this does not imply that both parties are necessarily happy with the arrangement. In fact, people often "agree" to situations that later feel quite unhappy for them.

Compromise In Relationships

According to the book, relationships can usually survive if one part of the contract is broken. However, if both parts are broken, then severe troubles usually erupt. In many cases this leads to divorce.

Therefore, it sometimes become necessary for a couple to renegotiate their contract. Time passes by, situations change and people change.

So let's say that a couple has the traditional relationship contract. The man is the rock. He is the financial and emotional provider for his wife. Then suddenly he loses his job, and worse, can't find a new one.

His wife will most likely support him and help him through this struggle. But let's say the man goes a very long time without finding new employment and then his emotional state starts to crumble.

His wife is left looking at this shell of a man wondering, "Where is the rock I married? Where has my security gone?"

Once these feelings start to seep into a relationship, it can really undermine the way both people feel about their roles in the relationship.

His sense of failure in compounded when he feels like he is failing his wife and family. She, in turn, feels like lots of responsibilities are piling up on her that she didn't sign up for.

The loss of a job is not the only thing that can send a relationship reeling. Anything stressful life event can bring on a situation that threatens your comfortable roles.

So it is important to sit down with your partner and discuss your implied contract BEFORE hardships come your way (and they ALWAYS come, sooner or later).

Compromise in relationships often comes from one or both partners deciding to be honest about being unhappy. If you partner comes to you with this information, don't see it as a failure but rather an opportunity for growth.

Dig deep and really be honest about what is going on between the two of you. There is no wrong kind of contract. Whatever you both agree to is perfectly fine. The point is to know what to expect from each other and to make sure that both individuals are happy with their role.

The more prepared you are, the better you can weather any storm.

Companionate Marriage Versus Traditional Marriage

So which one is better? Neither. If you both like the more traditional model of marriage, then by all means go for it. In fact, traditional marriages where the wife stays home are becoming the latest thing these days. It is "hip" again.

There are also lots of variations of the "traditional" marriage. For example, my husband works and I stay home to take care of the kids and our home. However, I also happen to work online. With this arrangement I am able to always put our home life first, and my work comes second. We are able to do this because he sees our financial security as mainly his concern [economic contract]. And I see the needs of our family as mainly my concern [emotional contract].

It works for anyone in our family, and we are all happy. Your arrangement should make you happy, too. If your current situation is not what you want it to be, sit down and talk to your partner. Don't know where to start?

There is a great way to learn compromise in relationships by educating yourself on what your partner really desires and expects from you. This resource digs really deep and touches all the areas that couples need to discuss. Here's the best part. It's more comprehensive than any other resource you will find on the internet (or in most book stores).

Find out what your partner truly values in you and in your relationship. And finally get your thoughts heard too. This is a crucial step to working out the best contract for you and your partner.

Want your partner to truly understand you? This is where you start.

(p.s. Don't put it off. Go ahead and start talking about it today.)

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Angela Christian Pope has a psychology degree and extensive experience counseling couples. She is also the creator of ModernRelationship.org, an innovative website designed to help both men and women in all stages of relationships. Get answers to your burning questions, plus some advice you never knew you needed!

Visit our website for helpful (and sometimes funny) resources to help you make your relationship better, no matter how darn good it already is.

Original article

Put Romance Into Your Daily Chores

To keep a relationship going today can be an immense strain. The daily work can make it almost impossible to create any length of time to spend with each other. With both of you working to earn a wage, you may start to feel that you're not a couple anymore, you are just living in the same house.

Don't even think of giving up on the relationship yet. The challenges that couples are presented with these days can create a multitude of problems. Romance can be brought back in your lives with a little effort from both parties. To ignite that lovely feeling you felt the first time you met, may not be as difficult as you might imagine.

You can find numerous ways to make your relationship as romantic as it was in the beginning. Some times you may ask yourself "what can I do to improve this relationship" Here are some suggestions on putting that romantic feeling back into the affair.

Weekend break. Working all the hours God sends is bound to have a bad effect on any affair. Not only will it stop you from having some great times together, but can result in constant rows and bickering.

To reverse this why not have a weekend break. It doesn't need to be a trip where you need to spend a great deal of money. Just you and your partner, going to a place you have not been before, will do wonders for you, and your relationship.

Gentle massage: An amazing way to cut down on the stress factor is to have a massage with your partner. Everybody loves the feeling of being massaged, and massaging your partner can be one of the most satisfying ways of relieving stress. You can finish off the day romantically with meal and an early night in with a few glasses of wine.

Movies: For a change why not go to the movies and relieve the days when you couldn't wait to get your hands on each other. Having some fun is also very important. Rather than going to a restaurant for a meal try something different. For example, wouldn't it be exciting to take your lover to a concert. Music is an amazing way to bring back the memories of when you first met

Romantic meal in your own home: You don't always need to go to a restaurant for dinner. You and your partner should consider staying at home, and have a lovely romantic dinner in your own residence. You can make this a very special occasion. Arrange this as if it was the first meal you have ever cooked for your partner. Make sure you look as good as you did when you had your very first date together. You may find by the end of the evening the only thoughts on both of your minds, will be the bedroom!

A photograph: Most couples tend to purchase fairly standard type gifts to show their affection for each other. But a marvelous way to show your deep affection for each other is to give something different. You could make the occasion more romantic by giving your partner a framed photograph of your first time pictured together. This will bring back the happiest memories of when you first met

This will ensure that whenever you feel down and at a low ebb, look at the photograph on the mantle, or on the office desk, and smile. Somebody loves you baby!!

Original article

The Key On Saving Marriage

There are some married couples nowadays that are already separated. After just sometime or just a couple of fights, they already decide to have the divorce because what they thought is that it is the only way to stop the problems that they have. They see divorce as a scapegoat to their marriage problems.

You know what? Single people or separated people have a lot of problems too. This is what they do not know. Now if single people have a lot of problems in their lives, then how much more for a married couple? All people have problems and that's not what comes to their minds.

Look at the time when you got married, you had a promise to each other that you will not part for better or for worse, for richer or for poorer right? Did you forget that promise? I think so. Why? You forgot it because you decided to have the divorce. Did you not ever think about saving your marriage first? Do you remember the saying about "two heads are better than one"? This saying applies to married people.

You and your spouse are one but you and your spouse equals two heads. If you have a problem, isn't it very helpful to have somebody who will help you and you are not the only one who is doing your best to solve the problem? It helps a lot, isn't it? Yes, it does. Both of you will solve your problem together and it would be easier rather than solving it alone. Problem is part of our daily lives, either financial or emotional or anything.

If you have problems then talk about it together. Do not argue about it. Talk softly to each other and find what the problem is. Do not tone up your voice. Talk calmly. Ask your spouse what she or he really wants to do. Be open minded. If you do not agree to what your spouse wants then tell your spouse what you also want in a calm voice, in a calm way.

Show him or her that you are listening. When you show your spouse that you are listening then you are avoiding arguments. Let them talk first. Never talk when they are saying what they feel and what they like. Listen to the ideas she places on the table. Do you know that the main key on saving marriage is communication? It is not just for saving marriage but also on having a happy marriage. When you communicate well then you can join together and be a better force. Both of you will become stronger because you know in your mind that you have someone that will support you no matter what.

Original article

Jesus Died to Save Your Marriage

"For the Son of Man has come to seek and to save that which was lost." (Luke 19:10, NASB)

Jesus came to the Earth to fulfill a very specific purpose, which was to restore us to a right relationship with God. In order to accomplish this, it was necessary for Him to die on the cross, taking our sins upon Himself and bearing God's wrath against us. Having done this, the Justice of God was satisfied and the way was open for us to return to Him with a clean conscience.

Yet Jesus didn't come just to redeem us, he came to save all of that which was lost in the Fall of Man. There was much more lost than just a right standing with God. Our whole world was broken. God cursed the very ground so that we would have to work to eat. Our relationships with others were instantly tarnished as well. Adam and Eve could not relate to each other in the same way ever again. The very concept of marriage was ruined.

God's original design for marriage is for a man and woman to come together as partners, serving one another and working together to fulfill God's purpose. Now most marriages are entered into with selfish motives. I want someone to share my life with. I want to have my (emotional/physical/security/sexual/social) needs met. And the second those needs aren't being satisfied, I'm gone!

Jesus came to set things right.

Jesus Promised an Abundant Life - And that Includes Your Marriage!

In Luke 10:10 Jesus tells us another reason He came to the Earth, which is to enable us to live an abundant life. Some translations use the word "overflowing" to illustrate this concept. As Christians we have a God who loves us and desires for us to live a rich, joy filled life. Mediocrity is not God's intent for us.

This applies to all areas of life, including your marriage. If you are just getting by in your relationship with your spouse then you are missing out on God's full design for you. Yet so many of us have mediocre marriages that leave a lot to be desired.

Maybe you have an emotionally distant husband who just doesn't know how to relate to you. Maybe you have children that make it difficult to spend quality time together as a couple. Or maybe you are just cruising along without much purpose or drive to your marriage. These are common problems that nearly every marriage faces at some point.

If God has more in store for us how do we actually experience His promises for abundance?

Unlocking God's Restoring Power For Your Marriage

If you want to experience all that God has for your marriage you need to understand how to apply Biblical truth to experience the freedom that He promises. In order to better understand this, we can take a look at the context of what is happening just before Jesus makes his statement (quoted above) in Luke 19:10.

If we start from the beginning of the chapter we can see that Jesus was speaking to Zacchaeus. Aside from being infamous for his short stature and tree climbing abilities, Zacchaeus was a tax collector. As such, we can assume that he was corrupt, probably taking extra money from people and pocketing it for himself. This can be confirmed by the crowd's negative reaction when Jesus invited Himself over for supper.

At this point, Zacchaeus quickly makes the decision that he will sell half of his possessions for the poor and will make things right with anyone he's defrauded. After that, Jesus calls him a son of Abraham and tells everyone that He has come to save the lost.

I think the lesson here is that God looks favorably on those who turn away from their sin and turn towards righteousness instead. In other words, He desires repentance.

If you want God to restore your marriage, the best course of action you can take is repent of any wrongdoing on your part and be obedient to God's Word. You can't change your spouse. Only God can do that. But I have seen time and time again the power that humility, repentance, and obedience has to change things.

God can heal any marriage, but it starts with you submitting yourself to Him. Not with you trying to fix your spouse.

Daniel writes about Christian marriages and the struggles Christian couples face. If you want to have a healthier, stronger marriage that is grounded in Biblical Truth you can learn about a number of Christian marriage resources from his website.

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What Is Marriage And Why Marry Anyway?

In this article I want to address some questions on what is marriage, why do we marry, and the role of extended families in marriage.

Firstly let me define marriage. For me marriage is about two people committing themselves totally to one another. And I'll add to this my personal opinion that this may refer to a man and a woman or two men or two women.

For me also this does not necessarily require a government or church ceremony, or approval, or even a document to authenticate that the couple are actually married. Of course for those who want to affirm their commitment to each other, and have others witness them doing that, is a way of including the whole of their family and community of friends into their commitment as well as into their marriage.

Marriage is a state of mind.

For me the essence of being married is more about a state of mind than about something defined by people on a church panel or state board. It is about a commitment to a relationship at the exclusion of all others. A relationship from which you get personal nourishment that makes your life worth living as you dedicate all that you have and all that you are to the wellbeing of this other person.

It is more than kinship, more than friendship and even more than a relationship. It is a spiritual connection with another human being that involves all of you every minute of the day whether you are together or not.

I have been in a relationship for more than twenty years and while my partner and I have not married, for me I am as married as I could be. I even refer to my partner as my husband as he refers to me as his wife. Not being married has in no way compromised our love for each other or our commitment to be with each other for as long as we are alive.

I'll also put another qualifier on this definition. That is that marriage also doesn't necessarily require the couple to live together. There are now as many ways to be in relationship with each other as there are couples who are finding that some arrangements work for them and others don't. What I'm referring to here are situations that sometimes have couples living separately from each other; sometimes across town, sometimes across countries. Sometimes these different arrangements are by personal choice and sometimes they are because of work or other commitments.

So why get married?

A challenging question! Again, I can only answer this from my own perspective. For me there is really only one reason to get married. Because my husband completes me! As an individual I believe I can achieve great things. As a couple I believe we can not just double that but multiply it many times over. This is for me truly a case of the possibilities of what we can achieve together being much greater than just the sum of the parts.

Beyond what I've already said is the simple fact that as human beings we are basically social animals who tend to be drawn together into groups rather than roaming the world alone. These groups can be as small as a family or as large as a city.

It is within these groups that we get cared for in ways that we might not otherwise. As a grandmother I gladly give of my time in the care of my children and grandchildren in a way that I might not otherwise give so readily but for the fact that they are my family and I also commit all of myself to their wellbeing.

It is in these extended families that we all can find a soft place to land when we are in need. So marriage is maybe something even more than simply a lifelong commitment to one other as it embraces our whole family and beyond.

For our family that extension embraces what I proudly call a "league of nations". For my partner and my children and their partners we collectively represent, within one generation, persons from Holland, Canada, Greece, China and, of course, Australia. I think for one small family that is pretty spectacular.

So until next time - Relate with Love

Lidy Seysener

About the Author

As a qualified Counselor, Lidy Seysener specializes in helping individuals and couples make the most of their lives and their relationships. She's been Counseling for more than twenty years and can also boast having been in an enduring relationship for as long.

For more information about me or what I do take a look at my newest website: http://www.acouplesjourney.com/ where you will find lots more information including quizzes and questionnaires. enter your details and you will get a free copy of my limited edition ebook titled 'Relationships - A Couples Journey'.

© 2010 Lidy Seysener - all rights reserved

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Marriage Tips for Couples in a Long Distance Relationship

Some couples, especially those who have been in a long distance relationship, would dread the thought of being far from their spouses. They knew how difficult the situation is, and that's why they try to avoid such setup as much as possible. But there are times where we need to relocate to some faraway place due to some work commitments. Here are tips on how to survive a long distance relationship with your spouse.

Be Honest With Each Other

You must be honest with your partner at all times, not only during the times when you are together, but more especially if you are far from each other. Take time to talk to your spouse over the phone every day, and tell her everything that has happened in your day. This will assure your partner that you are being faithful to her, which could help to make your relationship work despite of the distance.

Do Not Be Judgmental

Just because your spouse was not able to answer your call does not mean that she is already having an affair with someone else. One of the reasons why long distance couples would fight a lot is because the other party is being judgmental to his partner. So if you want your relationship to work, be very open-minded and do not make judgments against your partner if you do not have any valid proofs.

Remember Special Occasions

Even if you are far from your loved one, make sure that you greet her during special occasions, such as wedding anniversaries and birthdays. Surprise her by sending out gifts, flowers, greeting cards or letters. If possible, send your presents in advance so it will arrive on time for the special occasion. This will surely make your partner feel loved and cherished.

Make Surprise Visits

If you can, try to go home and surprise your loved one as often as possible. If your schedule permits you to go home, then book a flight home and pay her a visit. And when you are with your spouse, make the best of your limited time by taking her to a romantic dinner or going on a short honeymoon trip. So instead of spending the weekend and holidays with friends, spend it with your loved one instead.

The tips above are all you need in order to make your marriage last even if you are far from your spouse. They might seem so easy for you to do, but when you are in the real situation, you will realize that long distance marriages are not really that easy to handle. However, if you are determined to make your relationship with your spouse to last forever, then perseverance and hard work is all you need, aside from following these tips.

Are you wondering if you can survive a long distance relationship? You can check out Why Men Leave Women and visit Mend A Broken Relationship to help you deal with this.

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Tips on Balancing Your Career and Marriage

Perhaps most of us would just want to focus on being a husband or a wife, but given the current economic situation, it's not easy to just leave our partner to earn a living alone. Although it's the husband's duty to feed his family, but there are times that the wife would need to work as well in order for the entire family to live a comfortable life. So if you are one of these couples who are working while being married, here are tips to help you get through it.

Do Not Let Your Job Take Control of Your Life

There are times where we tend to enjoy our career life so much that we ended up taking our marriage for granted. But it is important to always remind yourself that you are now committed to someone else, and therefore, you must also think of your partner and not just think of yourself. The key here is to leave all your responsibilities in the office and forget everything about your job whenever you are at home with your partner.

Always Take Time to Communicate

In every relationship, communication is the key to solving all conflicts. Therefore, make sure that you take time to talk with your partner no matter how busy you are at work. Be very open to one another, and if there is anything that you need to fix within your schedule, then discuss these things with your partner.

Distribute Your Workloads

You do not really need to assume all the responsibilities in your office, especially if you have some other commitments, especially to your married life. Distribute the tasks to your colleagues, or ask the help of others in order to lessen the time that you need to work on a certain project. If your boss requires you to work beyond your shift, do not be afraid to decline especially if you need to attend to things relating to your married life. But make sure that you decline your boss in a polite manner.

Manage Your Time Well

Multitasking is all about proper time management. So if you want to do well in your job while being a good husband to your wife, then you should know how to manage your time well. The best way on this is to plot your schedule ahead for the entire week and make sure to set aside some of your time for bonding moments with your wife.

While we consider our jobs important to us, we must not forget that our wives as well as our children are more important than anything else in this world. After all, the main reason we are working hard is to give them the most comfortable life, right? So despite how busy you are at work, you should give more importance to your marriage life and to your kids as well.

Are you one of those who are asking "why my husband wants a divorce?" Look for answers by visiting Why Men Leave Their Wives.

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Marriage Records - The Purpose, Benefit and Merits Behind an Official Entry in These Records

Public records can be of many types and are generally available to all citizens in the country for viewing. Marriage records conveniently come under this category and can be available for information and research purposes for anyone. These records are maintained by the state governmental machinery and have exact particulars and details, which might become necessary for various official purposes. Marriage records also form an important part of background check records for pre-employment screening purposes.

Different states in the US have different sources of obtaining marriage records. While most of the states follow the same guidelines and formats for the filling up of the forms connected with the record maintenance and retrieval, obtaining these records may not always be from the same source. While the district county office is responsible for maintenance and retrieval of these records, in the case of divorce, retrieval becomes the sole prerogative of the courts of law.

Why are marriage records necessary? In many ways, records help the individuals coming together in marriage. First of all, marriage is an official and a social event that must be made public to have recognition in society in the local sense and globally too. Marriage records also help in determining compensation benefits, nominee related benefits and several other benefits to the spouse in events that may lead to disability or even death in unfortunate circumstances. The courts of law considers a married couple legally valid for the purposes of claiming these benefits. The spouse is also eligible to be the priority receiver of all movable and immovable assets in the event there is no one else mentioned in the will of the deceased.

A question often arises in the event where illegal marriages are still in existence. First, it must be clearly understood that the laws of the land makes it virtually impossible for illegal marriages to exist and survive in the country. Both the husband and the wife would not be considered legally married in the event of a claim of benefits, property or related assets should there be an unfortunate death of either of them. Social security benefits and insurance reliefs are hard to obtain and may take prolonged periods of paperwork to secure the financial advantages arising from these claims.

Overall, marriage records are officially approved licenses that literally put into official census the number of legally married families in the state or country. The records can be retrieved any time for whatever reasons.

If you want to learn more about marriage records, please visit the marriage records website for you.

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4 Unhappy Marriage Signs You Need To Look Out For - How To Avoid Common Causes of Divorce

Many experts say that there are four (core) unhappy marriage signs, and there are some things you can do about them (as they tend to be major sources of distress for the marriage partners in marriages where they manifest). These four are also, coincidentally, the common causes of divorce. But by the time matters get to a point where divorce is contemplated, many marriage partners tend to have lost the plot: to a point where they can't see the connection between these four issues and the contemplated divorce. Yet when attempts to dig deeper are made, it usually tends to emerge that the four issues we are just about to look at are actually the common causes of divorce (that is, the 'underlying causes' in divorce cases).

The ideal scenario

Before proceeding to look at the four unhappy marriage signs, it may be a good idea for us to pause momentarily, and try to understand what would constitute a happy marriage. That is where we'd come to learn that, in a nutshell, a happy marriage is one where the partners are (at least) 'fairly' satisfied with the relationship. Subsequently, the four unhappy marriage signs/common causes of divorce we'll be looking at tend to manifest in marriages where the partners aren't satisfied with their marriage relationships.

We are talking of the partners being at least 'fairly satisfied' keeping in mind that it is hard to come across marriages where the partners are fully/very satisfied with the relationships! That is because marriage often turns out to be a bubble-bursting affair: one where people's expectations are shattered. You have to keep it in mind that the initial attraction between the spouses who eventually marry tends to have chemical and hormonal underpinnings. Unfortunately, those hormonal and chemical underpinnings of initial attraction tend to shift with time, leading to a situation where, to put it mildly, the love tends 'to cool down a bit' as the years progress.

Thus while newly wed couples may confess to being 'very/fully' satisfied with the relationships, those who have been married for some time are likely (at best) to describe themselves as being 'fairly satisfied' with the relationships. That is alright, and many relationship experts would view it as the 'normal state of affairs.' Problems, however, creep in when the dissatisfaction grows to a point where the partners in the marriage get to a point where they can describe themselves as being 'very dissatisfied' with the relationships. This state of affairs is usually brought about by the build-up of major 'commissions' and/or 'omissions' on the part of the partners to the marriage relationship. And once we get to a point where the parties to the marriage describe themselves as being 'very' or 'totally' dissatisfied with the relationship, we end up with unhappy marriages - whose signs include:

Communication lapses

These normally manifest through 'silent treatments.' It is where, on account of a perceived wrong committed against him or her, a partner to the marriage relationship may opt to stop talking to the other one (the offending partner). The spouses who are subjected to the silent treatment in turn opt to retaliate (keeping in mind that, in some cases, they are not even told about the mistakes they are being subjected to the 'silent treatments' on account of). That then leads to a situation where the marriage partners are quiet to each other, which can, in the worst case scenario, lead to total communication breakdowns, which are amongst the common causes of divorce.

Another manifestation of communication lapses is that of frequent (and bitter) arguments. Whilst there are some relationship experts who argue that arguments are 'healthy' in marriages, there is consensus that when the arguments become bitter (thus turning into quarrels), they are no longer nice. Few people would actually argue with the fact that such frequent arguments-turned-into-quarrels are amongst the surest unhappy marriage signs.

So, what can you do about these communication lapses? Well, in most cases, what you need to do in order to resolve these communication lapses is to 'swallow your pride.' Where there is an argument or a quarrel, the solution is normally to have one partner concede that the other one is actually right (without being sarcastic), and the argument/quarrel is resolved. Where there is a case of silent treatment between parties to a marriage, what is necessary to resolve the whole situation is to have one partner swallow his or her pride and 'break the silence.'

At a more fundamental level, to prevent the communication lapses from manifesting in the first place, what the parties to the marriage need to do is develop two habits. One of those is the habit of thinking carefully before speaking (so that they don't hurt each other with words, which often leads to communication lapses). This is not just about thinking about the words to be uttered, but also the inferences that may be drawn from the words. The other one is the habit of listening -- and showing that one is listening (seeing that spouses tend to lash out bitterly whenever they feel that they are not being listened). Again, this is about not just listening to the words uttered, but also the messages communicated 'between the lines.'

Infidelity

Infidelity and the issues (like suspicions between spouses) that come with it tends to be amongst the surest unhappy marriage signs - that is, signs you can't interpret in any other way. As we mentioned earlier, an unhappy relationship is one where the partners are very dissatisfied. This dissatisfaction is what leads to infidelity. And needless to say, the issues like jealousy and resentment that come with infidelity tend to be amongst the common causes of divorce.

What you can do about infidelity (in order to prevent it from taking place) is to ensure that your spouse's needs - physical and psychological - are well met. It sounds simplistic, but the dissatisfaction that leads to infidelity tends to arise as a result of either unmet physical needs or unmet psychological needs. That is the root cause. The 'psychological needs' we are talking about here are simple things like attention (where spouses need to feel that attention is being paid to them).

Verbal or physical abuse

Verbal of physical abuse is yet another prominent member in the family of unhappy marriage signs. Normally, this verbal or physical abuse is preceded by lapse in communication (which we looked at earlier). These too, are among the common causes of divorce.

And while verbal abuse may be dealt with between the partners (through things like forgiveness and re-establishment of communication channels), where there are cases of physical abuse, it is usually wise to involve third parties. The stakes can go pretty high, and nobody should have to live with physical abuse.

Partner secretiveness

Yet another often ignored member in the family of unhappy marriage signs is partner secretiveness. It may look minor, but this is also one of the common causes of divorce. When we get to a point where partners to a marriage have stopped sharing their fears and hopes, we know that we have an unhappy marriage (even if the partners are still on 'talking terms' with each other).

In many cases, partner secretiveness is induced by loss of trust or the feeling that the other partner simply doesn't care.

Spouses facing this problem in their marriages are often advised to work on improving their emotional (or even physical) intimacy. That has the effect of re-strengthening the bond between them, to a point where they can start having deeper conversations and sharing their hopes and fears again.

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